Writing is my therapy

Stop Talking!

2012-01-30T11:19:00.004-05:00

I went to go see One for the Money yesterday with my mom. We love the Stephanie Plum books and I really wanted to see how the movie would be. Especially the casting.

The movie was cute, but not really that great. Some of the characters were spot on, others missed the mark. The movie could have been more fast paced I think, it just seemed to drag on. I doubt they'll turn it into a series.

Anyway during the movie there was 3 women sitting TWO rows behind us, that did not stop talking the entire movie. It was a running commentary comparing the book to the movie. Every scene they would talk about how well they casted this person or that person. Or certain places from the book and how it looks on the film. It was driving me insane! I like to watch my movies in silence and not hear you go on and on and on about the movie. I tried to turn around and ask them to be quiet, but they didn't hear my over their own chatter.

Finally I couldn't take it anymore, so I got up and walked over to them. I asked them if they could please keep their comments to themselves. I have NEVER done something like that before. Usually I'll just grin and bear it when people act that way. I don't know what came over me, but I'm glad I found the guts to speak up. I spent the rest of the movie in peace and was able to actually hear the dialogue in the film. I felt a little bad though saying something, but why should I suffer? They should have known better.

Oh also, before the movie started, I went and got my mom popcorn. I had those little trays they give you for the popcorn and our drinks. I sit down, hand my mom her drink and all of a sudden the popcorn spills all over the floor!! I felt horrible!!! It was the first time my mom has been to the movies in years and I spill her popcorn. I offered to buy her another, but she was fine with the little bit of popcorn that stayed in the bag. I still feel so bad about it to. I need to take her back and make it up to her again. I can be such a clutz.

All around, not the best trip to the movies for me. lol.

Have you ever spoken up and told someone to be quiet??

Bad Start

2012-01-23T11:47:00.002-05:00

I completely forgot to set my alarm clock this morning. I woke up when I am usually leaving for work! UGH!! I have no idea what made me check the clock when I did, but I am happy. Otherwise I could have easily gone right back to bed!

I threw on clothes, ate breakfast in a nano second and was somehow out the door in 15 mintues! I ended up only being about 5 minutes late for work! Whew!!!

However I'm so off today now. I feel naked without any makeup on. I'm exhausted even though I got 20 minutes extra sleep. Just not the best way to start a Monday. Especially since this will be the first full week of work I've had in a while. I hope it will go fast!

My weekend was good. We got a little snow on Saturday. Enough to cover the ground, but not too much where driving was a problem. Saturday night I went out with some friends. A good friend of mine is moving away so it was his going away party. I'm bummed he's moving. I'll miss him a lot, but I get why he is going. I ended up drinking way too much though! I had no intention of drinking and then I just started to pound them down. lol. Thankfully I didn't drive and it was a great night out!

Sunday was football all day. I was bummed the Ravens didn't win. I really wanted them too. Even though I am a huge Jets fan, I am happy the Giants will be going to the superbowl. I hope they will beat the Pats!!

Sick

2012-01-12T11:21:00.002-05:00

Since my last post, I have been sick as a dog. My stomach was killing me and my ears were hurting. It started over the weekend and it just kept on getting worse. I finally went to the doctor on Tuesday. I have an ear infection in both ears and a stomach virus that's been going around! Ugh!

So I am taking antibiotics and I'm just now FINALLY starting to feel better. I am so happy that I am off work tomorrow. I plan on resting up and relaxing. I also have off on Monday so I have a great 4 day weekend ahead of me! Yay!

Nothing special planned right now. Which is a good thing after my crazy weekend last week!

Have a great weekend!

How to Succeed... (Pictures)

2012-01-09T10:29:00.007-05:00

I had a wonderful weekend. I went to the City on Saturday with some friends. We went to see "How to Succeed in Business without really trying". The lead was being played by Darren Criss from Glee! He plays Blaine on the show. He was absolutely wonderful in it! I had no idea what the show was going to be about. But it was so charming and funny. I LOVED it.

We got into the City pretty early. So we did some sight seeing.

The tree was still up at Rockefeller Center. Which I was so happy about. I haven't seen the tree up close in years.

Here I am in front of the tree.

The weather was unbelievable. I didn't even need my coat honestly. So prefect to be walking around.

Then we went to Dylan's Candy Bar. It's this massive candy shop that's owned by Ralph Lauren's Daughter. So much fun to walk around there.

A Giant Candy Tree

Of course I got some candy to eat. Very expenisive candy but delicious still.

Soon it was time for us to eat. We had made reservations at Tony Di Napoli's. It's a family style Italian place. It was good, but not the best italian food I've ever had. But I love eating family style and it was a nice place. Really fun.

We had a lot of times to kill still. So we walked to Bryant Park and bought Crumbs Cupcakes. I've never had Crumbs before and I had been dying to try them. I got two (one for then and the other for later). We sat at a table in the park, seriously the weather was too perfect, and enjoyed our cupcakes.

My huge and yummy cupcakes!

Finally it was time for the show. It was a madhouse!! The line to get into the theater wrapped all the way around the block and down. It was all teenage girls too, dying to see Darren. We had great seats. As soon as the show started and Darren came on stage there was people screaming. It was acually hilarious to watch people go crazy like that. I've never seen something like that before.

Finally once the show got into the swing of things, people calmed down and it was so great to watch the show. It was so so good. Then about 10 minutes before it ended, people were emptying out of the theather, crawling over people's lap, all to get outside and for the slim chance they would see Darren after the show. I couldn't believe it. When we left the theather, there was police outside, tape blocking off the sidewalks and hundreds of people clamaring by the stage door! Crazy crazy people. I just took a picture by a poster of him and that was more than enough for me.

He is very cute though...

It was a great night and one I hope to do again soon.

Making Resolutions (for the first time)

2012-01-03T12:11:00.003-05:00

Happy New Year!

I'm officially back to blogging regularly. My week off was so nice! I got to catch up with a lot of people. Lots of lunches out. Highlight of my week was going to see Jersey Boys on Broadway! It was my Christmas gift for my mom. She's been dying to see it for years. I got amazing seats too. The show was awesome!! I found out a lot about the Four Seasons that I never knew either.

I don't usually make resolutions. I believe if your going to make a change, do it NOW and don't wait. However I am making some this year. One in particular had to start on the 1st.

I am aiming to run 1000 miles this year! About 20 miles a week! EEK! About 30 of us from my gym are aiming to do it. It will be so awesome at the end of the year to say that I ran 1000 miles. I'm about 7 miles in, only 993 to go. lol

Also I plan on hitting my goal weight this year. I hit a plateau that last few months, but I'm back on track and I want to hit my goal by the summer hopefully. Only 25 pounds to go!

Finally I need to get back on track with saving. The last few months I've spent way to much and dipped into my savings account, which I rarely allow myself to do! UGH. My goal, is to save $10,000 this year. About $800 a month. Thankfully I live at home so I don't have to pay rent. I'll use that to save save save!

I have a feeling 2012 is going to be great. I already have so much to look forward too. My trip to Italy in a couple of months! Running my first half marathon in May. My good friend getting married in June! It's going to be great!

How's your 2012 shaping up? Any goals you are working toward?

Small Blog Break

2011-12-21T10:24:00.001-05:00

Hi All!!! After tomorrow I will be off work until the 3rd!! WHOO HOO!!!

I probably won't get a chance to blog or to really read other blogs while I'm off. So I am going to take a small break.

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday!

I'll see you next year!

A Great weekend (With a picture!)

2011-12-19T10:45:00.007-05:00

This weekend was great. Super busy, but a lot of fun. It went by way too fast.

On Friday, my uncle who lives in Florida came to visit with my grandma. I hadn't seen my uncle in a while, so it was great to have them at my house. We had a nice dinner. After dinner I had to go to a Christmas party. It was fancy, which meant I was able to get all dolled up. lol. I love to dress up! The house I went to was right on the water and it had the most beautiful view of the city. So pretty. A lot of my friends from the gym was there. It was really nice to see everyone dressed up and not in gym clothes.

Saturday I got my hair cut. I had been thinking about cutting it short for a while. I decided I was finally ready to say goodbye to my hair. I printed out some pictures and went to have it done. Luckily I have the best hair stylist in the world. Seriously she is the best and I will never leave her! lol. She was so excited about me cutting my hair. She went right to town after I showed her the picture. I admit when she was cutting I was a little nervous. But excited nervous. After the cut, she colored it a nice dark brown. It was time to finally dry and see what it looks like.

I love it! It's a lot shorter than I was expecting it to be though. I'm still in a little shock that I have no hair anymore. Also I have yet to see what it looks like when I leave it naturally curly. I'm waiting for a day when I don't have to leave my house to see what it looks like.

After that I spent the day with my uncle and grandma. I am going to the cookie exchange party on Wednesday and I need to make 10 dozen cookies. I am making my grandma's recipe for the party so we made a batch together on Saturday. Then we headed down to my Aunt's house for a little. I could only stay for a couple of hours. Enough so I could eat her homemade pizza! :)

My gym was having their Christmas party that night. I got all dressed up again and was off. I had my mom drop me off because I knew I would be drinking. A lot of the people there were also at the party the night before. They all flipped about my hair!! It was a little overwhelming with all the attention. But the reaction was good and made me really happy that I went for it. The party was so much fun. I drank way too much though. I was spinning by the end of the night. My mom who is super awesome picked me up.

Sunday I spent the rest of the day baking cookies. It took a few hours but they came out great! I even bought tins to put the cookies in for each person. I can't wait to go on Wednesday and eat cookies!

Here is a picture of me from the previous weekend at my Ugly Christmas Sweater party. You can see how long my hair was then.

And here is what my hair looks like now!!

Haunted House?

2011-12-14T10:07:00.002-05:00

Something strange happened to me last night.

I came home from the gym. Both my mom and brother weren't home. So I came in, put my dogs out, then went to take a shower. I shower in my mom's bathroom (it's nicer). Whenever I shower I turn on one light in her bedroom because it's pretty dark in there. So I turned on the light, and then went into the bathroom and took my shower.

When I finished up, I dried off, left the bathroom and turned off the bathroom light. Suddenly I realized that there was no other light on in the bedroom! I ran back into the bathroom and turn on the light. Then I crept out of the bathroom and went to the light switch. I flipped it back on and the light was working just fine. I figured that my brother must have came home and turned off the light.

I called out into the house. No one responded. Suddenly I heard the garage door opened and I was flooded with relief. Until that point I was really freaking out. My brother walks into the house and I ask him. Brian did you come in here and turn off the bedroom light? "No I just got home"

Brian I'm really serious, did you turn off this light. "Carolyn I JUST walked in the door, I haven't been home since this morning"

?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!

I freaked out. I told him that someone turned off this light! Check the house to see if someone is in here. He thought I was joking. He was like, no one is trying to break in, stop being ridiculous. I went into my room to put my PJs in. All of a sudden I started crying. lol. With all the adrenaline that was pumping through my body and being really freaked out, I couldn't help. He heard me crying and I guess felt bad. He searched every nook and cranny of the house for an intruder.

Finally he told me no one is in the house and there wasn't any doors or windows opened. So now I have no idea who turned off the light! I know for a fact that I switched it on before I went into my mom's room. The light didn't go out, someone TURNED IT OFF.

So now I've switched gears. If no one was in the house. Maybe it's a ghost? Which truthfully, freaks me out way more. I don't want to be haunted. When I told my mom the story this morning, she told me it must have been my grandpa. Quick backstory, my grandpa died in my house. So I guess if we are being haunted it would be by the person who actually died here.

Strange things have happened to my mom before, but I've never really believed her. Or there was an explanation. But now, I'm beyond freaked out. I know this probably sounds silly, but I just can't explain it. Someone effing turned off this light!

I actually had to take something last night to calm me down so I could actually sleep. If this is a spirit I really hope it leaves me alone. I don't know if I can take anymore shenanigans.

Laying Low

2011-12-12T12:28:00.002-05:00

Things have been crazy with my lately. Next weekend will be crazy busy for me. I don't even know if I can handle it. lol. Because I knew next weekend will be filled with parties and people, I did everything I could to lay low this weekend.

On Friday, I declined an invite to hang out with a friend. I was able to watch all my shows on DVR and go to bed early for once. On Saturday I ran some errands and was able to come home and just relax. Another friend wanted me to go to the dog park, but I really just needed alone time. I savor my time alone and I have been so busy that I was getting irritable.

That evening though I went to an Ugly Christmas Sweater party. By that time I was beginning to go a little stir crazy so I was ready for a fun night out. I loved some of the sweaters people had on. Some really went all out. My favorite was this guy had a white sweatshirt that had Garfield and the dog (Oddie?) with santa's hat on them and lights around them. Then he cut out holes in the sweatshirt and poked Christmas lights through which light up with a battery pack!! Another guy wore a Christmas nightgown! Which was so funny. The party was really fun and it was good to see some friends I hadn't seen in months.

Sunday I went back into hiding. A friends wanted to hangout, but I declined and went to the movies instead. I really felt bad that I was avoiding people, but I just had the best time. lol. I saw "My Week with Marilyn". I love love Marilyn Monroe. I own so many of her movies. I loved seeing this film. Michelle Williams was a great Marilyn. I also didn't realize that this was based off a true story. I am hoping to read the memoir soon.

The movie was playing at a small independent theater. I love this place. It has only two theaters and really great seats. However the parking was a nightmare. I almost missed the beginning. The theater is in the city I live right near. There is one central parking lot there. It was packed and there were dozens of people searching for a spot. So I had to park in another lot that no one ever parks at which is really far away. But at least it saved me a headache when I had to leave.

Now I feel refreshed and I will tackle next weekend head on!! I am really looking forward to everything happening. It should be a lot of fun! But I know I will be exhausted come Monday morning.

I really love my new Mixer! (Pictures)

2011-12-05T12:09:00.005-05:00

I am so so happy I bought my KitchenAid Mixer! I was a cooking machine this weekend! For my first use of the mixer I wanted to try something really challenging. So I attempted to make a Cheese Souffle. I know they are hard and if they don't rise that basically means you failed. lol. I was actually surprised at how easy it was to make the souffle. Using the mixer to beat the egg whites helped immensely. Final result?

Success!!! My souffle rose and it was delicious!

Here is a picture of the final product.

Sorry it's so dark. But look how high it got!

On Sunday I was bored so I decided to try something else. I made biscotti. I'm not really a fan of biscotti (which is like a sin when your Italian), but my mom has been begging me to make it for a while now. This was pretty labor intensive and took a long time to make! I wasn't sure what I was doing the whole time either. I felt lost. However the final product looks great and my mom loved them! Yay! I didn't think to take a picture though. I am planning on making chocolate biscotti soon and I will make sure to take a picture then!

This weekend I heard that Santa would be at Petsmart and the money would be donated to charity. I just had to take my dogs. The Santa was really creepy looking, but I still love this picture! My dogs were terrified of Santa!

Here they are

I initially had no plans this weekend, but it ended up being jam packed and a lot of fun. I love weekends like this when I just went with whatever I felt like doing. It was really nice and I was still able to relax.

New PR for my 5K!

2011-11-30T10:39:00.001-05:00

This past Sunday I did a 5K race. It was right near my home. There were 900 people running in it!! I saw so many people from high school there. It was great! The weather was beautiful. It was the mid 60s and no humidity. Definitely not weather I'm used to in NJ this time of year, but it was welcomed the day of the race.

The course was hard. Really hard. There were so many hills and the start of the race was slow because there were so many people and there was a lot of bottlenecking. Once I got going and was into a groove, I was okay though. Although after the turn around I had to run up this HUGE hill. Seriously it just never ended. lol. After that it was smooth sailing though.

When I was nearing the finish line I really picked up my speed. I knew I could beat my time if I just kept my pace.

Final time? 31:23!!!!!! I beat my last 5K by almost 2 minutes!! I can now officially say I am a 10 minute mile runner! I can't believe it! Especially for such a hard course. it's not normal to PR like that. I am so proud!

The first 5K I ever ran was only this past May and I finished in 39:55. Sunday I ran in under 32 minutes! That's 8 minutes shaved off in 6 months! I really can't believe. I never in a million years thought I could get my time under 30 minutes, but now I really feel like I will get there. And SOON!

I just can't believe I'm a runner like this. It's so surreal. Just a year ago I couldn't walk a half a mile without feeling like I would pass out, and now here I am, setting my sights on one day doing a half marathon! AHHHHH

Eating and Shopping (Two of my favorite things)

2011-11-28T14:27:00.004-05:00

My Thanksgiving was wonderful. By Thursday my mother had calmed down and the whole house was ready for my family to invade. It was a great day with lots and lots of food. It was also the first year I didn't have to sit at the kids table! I am 27 and this has never happened. lol

I live in a ranch house. The dinning room and family are connected together. There used to be two little walls between the two rooms. Last year we knocked down the two walls and made the passage way wider. Because of this we were able to connect the dinning room table and the kids table together, so all 20 of us could sit and eat dinner as a family. It was so nice! No one missed out on any conversations.

I ate so much food though. I just couldn't stop myself. I was so full that I thought I may be sick. My mom made her famous pepperoni bread, there was spinach artichoke dip, and cheese and meats platter for our apps. Dinner we had turkey, stuffing (one with sausage, one without) sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, broccoli rabe, green beans.... oh it was delicious. Thankfully I don't like dessert, or I may have actually gotten sick. My aunt made key lime pie and pumpkin pie, my grandma made apple stroudel and there were cookies.

It was a great day. But really long. I woke up at 7:30am to go to the gym and my family didn't end up leaving until 9pm that night. I was asleep by 9:30.

Unfortunately all that food caused me to have severe heartburn. I woke up at 3:30 in pain. I took tums but they didn't help. I figured since I was up, I may as well go shopping. lol. I was so sure that it was going to be packed when I left my house. My first stop was Kohls since I live right near there. I figured I would drive by and see what the parking lot looked like, before I would even go it.

It was a ghost town. I couldn't believe it! There was maybe 8 other people in the store. It was awesome! I got so many good deals, including a gold pair of earrings that were $300 marked down to $50 bucks. I got a Kitchen Aid Mixer for only $130 (after discounts and a rebate)!!! I've been dying to get a mixer for a long time. This was a great deal! Plus with the $15 kohls cash back I got like $105 dollars to use there this weekend.

After Kohls it was still only 5:30. So I headed down to the Jersey Shore Outlets. This was a little more busy, but I had no problem parking and was in and out all the stores pretty. The only store that looked crazy was Burberry. There was a line to get into the store and the line to check out wrapped around the store. There was no way I was going in there. But I got 50% off everything at Cole Haan and since it was before 8am I got an extra 20% off my total. Ann Taylor was 50% off everything. I got the most darling coat. So many good deals. By 8am I was totally done with my black friday shopping!

I had such a good experience. Later on in the day when I was driving around I saw that kohls was a madhouse. I am so glad I went before it got really busy. Me getting hearburn was the best thing to happen to me!! lol

How was your Holiday? Did you do any shopping for Black Friday? Online or in store?

Getting Ready for Turkey Day

2011-11-21T14:15:00.003-05:00

Things at my house are crazy. My mom is getting everything ready for Thanksgiving and is in full melt down mode.

This happens every. single. year.

We have had Thanksgiving at my house for almost 30 years. My mom goes into panic mode a week before the holiday every year. Between the cleaning and the cooking she is a mess. I try to help out as best as I can, but she makes a bigger deal out of it than it is. She always thinks there are more things to be done then there really is.

So this weekend was crazy. I had to move a ton of boxes down into the basement, countless loads of laundry, help iron and hang new curtains we bought for my room and the living room. I had to go buy the liquor, some food she forgot and a larger curtain rod for the windows.

There was window washing, floor washing, shaking out rugs, cleaning toilets. It was a lot and I was exhausted. Got in a workout just from that!!

We got a lot done though and my mom is starting to calm down a little. It's definitely a tradition I've come to expect ever year. And honestly, the holiday wouldn't be the same without it.

I have a very short work week this week, so there is a very good chance I won't blog again until next week. I hope you all have a Wonderful Thanksgiving and a great Black Friday if you shop!!!

I am very thankful for my health and happiness this year. I am so full with love this year, and so thankful to be surrounded by people I adore.

What are you thankful for?

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

2011-11-14T12:01:00.002-05:00

I'm one of those people who love to get their Christmas shopping done early. That way I can actually enjoy the holiday season once December hits. I try to be done with all my shopping by Black Friday.

Well this year I have outdone myself. As of today, November 14, I am FINISHED with my shopping!!!! Jealous? lol. I can't believe I'm done already. I even bought all my cards for everyone. I'm so ahead of the game, I'm considering wrapping all my presents next weekend! But then I may feel kinda strange. lol.

The reason why I'm done so early is because with my brother and his family living in India, I had to mail out their gifts this week, in order to ensure they would have everything by Christmas. Once I got started, I just finished with everyone else.

I am really looking forward to the holidays. I love love Thanksgiving (my favorite holiday), and I can't wait for Christmas this year. I have cousins flying in from California that I haven't seen in at least 4 years! We are having a mini family reunion. We usually have around 20 people to celebrate Christmas with, this year will be over 30! It's going to be great!

Last night I even watched Elf on TV. I love that movie and it really got me into the holiday spirit!

When do you try to get your holiday shopping done?

I love money!

2011-11-07T10:19:00.003-05:00

This weekend I sold some gold. I had a lot of chains that were too short, broke or just never worn. I also had earrings that were missing mates or weren't really my style. I'm been pretty strapped for cash lately so I decided to try and sell it.

I was really nervous. I had no idea about the process or if I would get ripped off. I went to the place that a few of my friends sold gold to. Which made me feel better. The whole process was fascinating. They checked every single piece to see how many karats something was. They would rub it on a stone and then pour acid over it to see how many karats it was. A lot of what I brought turned out to not be gold at all. I was surprised at some of the pieces.

In the end I had one pile of 14K and another 10K. Total sum of the two?

$700!!!!!!!!

I was in shock!! I couldn't believe how much I got for it! the 14K I got $550 for and the 10K $150. They paid me in cash to. Which was crazy. I went right to the bank to deposit it.

This $700 helps me out so much. My credit card is officially paid off and now I have money to buy the rest of my Christmas gifts. I should have some left over to spend in Italy too! WHOO HOOO.

Also ironically, my car battery died yesterday, so that money came in real handy when buying a new battery! lol

Have you ever sold jewelry before?

Happy Halloween!!!

2011-10-31T12:31:00.003-04:00

I am trying to not stuff myself with candy all day!

Because of the snow this weekend, I didn't get to go to Fright Fest at Six Flags like I had planned. Which really bummed me out. I did however go see Paranormal Activity 3. While it was suspensful and scared me, the ending made no sense! I was furious with that ending!! NOTHING was explained. So annoying.

I hope you had better halloween plans! Did any of you dess up and go out?

I took a break from eating right and working out last week and I felt like total crap. It's crazy how my body craves working out and clean food now. I literally cannot go back to my old lifestyle.

Which is a good thing, but I miss being able to pig out sometimes. Although when I got on the scale I was not happy. At all. UGHH

Hopefully the few pounds I gained will quickly come off. Next week my gym is having a individual challenge. The person who loses the most weight over 6 weeks, and completes certain tasks wins $1,000!!! I am going to try my hardest to win!

I decided for the almost 6 weeks of the challenge I will not have any cheat meals, besides Thanksgiving. I really think I can do this! Wish me luck!

Didn't get muddy this weekend...

2011-10-24T10:08:00.002-04:00

For months I had been looking forward to my mud run. I was all set. I had my compression gear and had been training pretty intensely for it. I was beyond nervous, but also so excited to push myself to the limits.

Then Friday afternoon, at like 3:30, it's postponed.

I was PISSED!!!!! I may have also cried a little bit.

The township that the event was supposed to be held in, is apparently known for pulling stunts like this. At the last minute, the decided to change the insurance policy for the event and demanded that each runner be insured for a million dollars, and with over 1,000 runners signed up, that would mean a billion dollar policy. Something that the people holding the event couldn't do.

I understand that there has to be insurance but that's insane. Especially with the fact that every runner has to sign a waiver, that says if we get injured we can't sue!

So the event may be rescheduled for November 5th, but that's only if an agreement is reached between both parties. Which isn't looking good right now. I am so bummed out. I really wanted to do this and push myself to the limits.

There are a couple of other mud runs that are happening in the next few weeks, but most of them are sold out already. So if I am to do one, it wouldn't be for a few months or even a year! UGH! So bummed.

Fingers crossed that it gets rescheduled. Until then, I may have to make my own course. lol

Updates (one really exciting)

2011-10-18T11:16:00.003-04:00

I'm officially going to Italy!!! OMG!!! I am so excited to go back! I found a really good rate at the hotel my brother is staying at. I feel so much better now that we will both be at the same hotel. Much easier to coordinate with each other. Hotel is booked, and I'll probably get my plane tickets next week. I am bursting I am so excited. February can't come fast enough for me now!

I had my two week check up last week for my Iron infusions. Unfortunately, my levels barely went up. I have to go back in a few weeks to see if they continue to go up. I really hope so, I do not want to have to get the infusions again. That sucked. So fingers crossed for a good check up in a few weeks.

My mud run is this Saturday. It's so close! I'm in panic mode now. I am so nervous about the race. What if I can't handle all these obstacles? I am insane. I am so nervous that I can't seem to stop eating. Seriously. All junk too. I need my body to be in tip top shape and I keep on eating sugar and sodium. UGH. The whole time I'm eating, I'm internally yelling at myself. I am such an emotional eater, especially when my anxiety acts up. At least now I recognize why I'm doing this and I do stop myself before I eat too much. I need to find another outlet for my nerves. Hopefully my 4 mile run I have planned for tonight will help calm me!

I have been so busy the past few weeks. I'm honestly not used to being so busy. I used to rarely go out. Now every weekend I have something planned. It's crazy and great, but also exhausting. I cannot wait until November when things should calm down a bit for me. At least until the holidays start up again.

Can you believe that Thanksgiving is like a month away?? Time really does seem to be flying by!! I gotta get a start on my Christmas shopping!!

Possible trip to Italy!

2011-10-12T11:33:00.002-04:00

I've mentioned many times before that my brother lives in India. I even went to visit last January. It was an incredible experience. Thankfully my brother and his family will be moving back to the states come this summer! I am so excited at the prospect that they'll just be a few states away, rather than on the other side of the world.

I haven't seen my brother since I was in India. I got to see my Sister in law and niece over the summer. It is crazy how fast my niece is growing. They were not able to get any time to take off to visit this winter. Which meant having to wait an entire year before I got to see any of them again.

UGH.

So I looked around and found a decent plane ticket to go back to India. So I emailed them and told them I would possibly be coming for a visit. They were really excited. Then I found out that they were planning a trip to Rome for the end of February, and would I rather go there instead of India? UM YES PLEASE!

I've been to Rome before, but it was only for about 3 days. Not nearly enough time to see everything I wanted to see. Plus the prospect of seeing them again makes me so happy! They had already booked a hotel and that was way to expensive for me to get a room there. I looked around and found an AMAZING deal. Roundtrip flight and hotel for the week (and a really really nice hotel) for only $1300!! That was what my plane ticket to India was going to cost!!!

Best of all the hotel is right near the main train station and a lot of the sights. Plus it's pretty close to where my brother and his family are staying. I think. lol. Cities in Italy are very confusing.

My only problem? NO ONE will come with me! Most of my friends are teachers and they cannot take off a week during the school year. The others, can't afford it. My mom doesn't even want to go! Which is unbelievable to me. She is petrified of flying and has never travelled out of the country before.

Which means I'm probably going solo. I'm not going to let that stop me from going there, but I just wish I had a travel buddy! I know once I get there I will be fine, but I still get nervous.

Nothing has been booked yet. I'm waiting to talk to my brother on the phone to solidify planes. I really hope it works out though! I'll be bummed if it doesn't!

12 Sleeps

2011-10-10T11:44:00.003-04:00

In 12 days I will be doing a Mud Run!! It's getting so close!!!

Right now I'm not that nervous. The few days before the race I know I will be a nervous wreck though! It's slowly starting to sink in that I'm actually doing this.

Yesterday I met with some people running the race with me and we went to a local school. We ran up and down a crazy hill. Then practiced crawling on the ground and attempt to go across the monkey bars. Most importantly, we practiced lifting each other over the monkey bars. There will be high walls that day and I wanted to make sure someone would be able to lift me up!! It was something I was really nervous about! Even though I'm the smallest I've ever been, I still have a good bit of weight to lose!

After we practiced I felt a lot more confident about the race. I felt more comfortable knowing these women are going to stay with me the whole race.

After that, I went to get my compression clothes for the race. I needed something sleek that will keep me warm. And also be able to dry fast. Which is why I had to get compression clothes. They are the most unforgiving clothes you can imagine. They show every lump and bump!! UGH! I wish I was way smaller. However I didn't look as terrible as I thought I would. Plus I know how happy I will be that I wore these the day of the race. I'm going to get muddy and very wet. I need something that will not weigh me down and keep me going! I look crazy though. lol

I can't wait for the race to happen already! I know it will be an experience to last me forever!

I did something you're told to never do!

2011-10-04T10:00:00.004-04:00

I ordered my Bridesmaids dress a size down!!!

A good friend from college asked me to be in her wedding. I was so honored and excited that I get to be a part of her big day!!! I was also really excited to go shopping for a dress now that I'm a lot smaller. I wasn't worried that I wouldn't be able to fit into any of the sample dresses they had at the store.

This weekend I went down to Baltimore to see my friends and try on dresses. On Saturday, me, the bride and the other 2 bridesmaids were off to David's Bridal to find a dress. The bride was super awesome and told us we didn't have to get matching dresses. As long as it was in the same color, she was happy. How cool is that??

It was packed with people there. We decided to get shorter dresses since the wedding will be in June. We roamed the racks and just started pulling. Once we each had a couple of dresses we were ready to try on. I grabbed a size 14 dress, but I was worried it wouldn't zip. These dresses tend to run smaller than regular stores.

I was shocked when the dress zipped up! It fit perfectly!! Also it looked amazing! The other 2 girls didn't really like their dresses. We went on to try dress 2. Another winner for me, but I still liked the first one best. The other girls still didn't like their dress. We tried on a third. No go for all of us. The other girls decided to try on my dress. So I put mine back on and they tried one on.

We all loved it! The bride though we were doing this to please her, getting the same dress. But we all genuinely liked this dress the best. Best part? It was only $100! Yay! We were literally done in like 20 minutes. I really think that had to be the quickest bridesmaids dress shopping trip ever. lol

Now it came time to get measured and order the dresses. The 14 fit me perfectly. However I'm not done losing weight yet. I still have 20 to 30 pounds to go. The lady at the store told me they can take dresses in, but only about one size down.

Even though it makes me nervous I ordered the 12!! AHHH! This gives me even more motivation to get this last bit of weight off. I don't care how comfortable my body is at this weight, I am not DONE. I must fit into this dress!

I get the dress in early December. However I won't have to get it altered until late February/March. So my goal is to be smaller than the 12 by that date! Once I get the actual dress in the mail, I'm going to take progress photos.

For now, here is what the dress looked like in the store. It's going to be in a pretty clover green color. Also don't mind my socks. I forgot to take them off. lol.

5K in the morning and AC in the night! (Pictures)

2011-09-26T14:25:00.006-04:00

This past weekend was crazy for me! It was nonstop from start to finish. And I loved every second of it!!

Saturday morning I woke up bright and early to run a 5K. It was my 4th one this year. I can't believe that I do 5Ks now like this! A bunch of people from my gym ran the race and we all showed up wearing shirts from our gym. It was a great sight to see. 70 plus people wearing shirts from one gym!!

I'm also happy to say that I beat my last 5K that was on Labor Day. I finished a full minute faster!!! I came in at 33:17!!!! Whoo Hooo!! I am so happy with how much I've improved with running. My very first 5K (which was just this past May) I finished in almost 40 minutes. Now I'm getting close to going under 30 minutes!! I cannot wait for that day!!!!!

Here is me starting the race

After the race, I hung out with some people from my gym at a local bar. I couldn't stay long though. I had to rush home, shower and pack because I was going to Atlantic City that night!! I met at my friend's parent house around noonish. We had a great lunch together to celebrate her birthday. Then we were off!

We stayed at Harrah's. We specifically wanted to go to the Pool Bar there. Turns out that night Snooki from the Jersey Shore was going to be there! lol. When we got to the hotel we hung out a little and gambled some. Sadly I did not come home a winner!

Soon it was time for us to get ready to go out! I bought a dress from the Missoni line from Target. It was very short for me! I was really stepping out of the box with my outfit, but I wanted to feel great!! And I did!!! I felt great and I knew I looked good! lol.

The Pool Bar was a lot of fun! We saw Snooki for about 5 seconds there though. But it didn't matter the music was good and the company was awesome. I definitely drank too much though! Also there were so many Jersey Shore wannabes there. It was a little crazy. I was surprised at how many guys were there. Way more than girls that night.

My friends and I getting ready

We saw Snooki for like 5 seconds. She said something into a Mic, which I could not understand, and then she was rushed off to a VIP area. Not to be seen again. It's crazy because she probably got paid like $30,000 to talk for one minute there.

Here she is. I have to say, she looked terrible in person!!

The rest of the night was a blur. Finished with me chowing down on curly fries before bed. lol. I never sleep in when I drink. Me and my best friend were up at 7am. Her boyfriend and our friend were still passed out. So we decided to go get breakfast and go swimming at the pool. It was so nice during the day. Swimming was great, the hot tub was even better. It was nice to just relax on the lounges though. It was funny because there was still people there from the night before passed out on the lounges! It was a great way to end my trip in AC.

How was your weekend?

1 down, 4 to go...

2011-09-22T10:39:00.003-04:00

So my first iron infusion didn't go so well.

First I had to wait almost a half hour before seeing the doctor. Finally after that, it was time to start. My nerves were already off the charts. I started crying as soon as she brought the needles over. I felt like such a jackass, because here I am getting a simple treatment, and every other person in the room was getting chemo.

They went to put the IV in my arm, between the elbow and wrist. She put the IV in and the pain wasn't THAT bad. However after the IV was in, I starting feeling a lot of pain. Turns out I was infiltrating. Which means the saline isn't going into your veins, but the surrounding tissue and muscle. UGH. So she had to take it out and start again.

She went a little farther down my arm, stuck me with the IV, PAIN, and then almost immediately I infiltrate again. Which hurts way more than the actual needle does. Next they try my other arm. Guess what? Same thing happens.

At this point I'm in full blown meltdown. The nurse really wants to put the IV in my hand but I refuse. I am scared shitless of IVs in my hands. You would think, after 10 surgeries that I would be a pro, but it just makes it worse. The nurse also wasn't really working with me. She was annoyed at me for the fact that I have small superficial veins and she can't get a line in me. IT'S NOT MY FAULT LADY.

All of a sudden, without asking me, she puts the IV into my wrist. I swear to god I saw stars. The pain was blinding. The wrist way more painful than my hand would have been. Good to know for future reference. I totally cursed when that happened. However the IV was in and she was very happy with herself.

However I was still in a lot of pain. She's going on and on about how the wrist is delicate and the pain is normal and I'm not infiltrating. It hurts SO bad though. Finally she goes to ask another nurse for a second opinion. Surprise! I infiltrated! They take the IV out and there is a HUGE bubble on my arm from where the saline leaked out. Thankfully it wasn't the actual iron yet. Otherwise I would have a big brown stain on my arm now.

The new nurse I guess sees that I'm at my wits end. I'm about to leave and just call it a day. My nerves are shot and it hasn't even started yet. They decide to put my IV into the crook in your elbow where you usually get blood drawn from. I know that's a good vein. I've had IVs in there before. However the first nurse grouch refused because that's not normal protocol.

5th attempt is a charm and I'm finally ready for it to start. The infusion itself wasn't bad. It took almost an hour but there was no pain thankfully. Just slightly achy. I was there for over 2 hours though. I was exhausted and I cannot believe I have to do this 4 more times!

I agreed to do the next visit with the IV in my hand. I have a prescription for Emla cream which numbs your skin before hand. Hopefully I won't have the same problems again and I get out of there a lot faster. Next appointment is tomorrow so I need to be ready.

My one arm where she put the IV in my wrist is still pretty swollen and hurts a lot actually. I hope it's gone by tomorrow though.

Feeling good

2011-09-19T12:11:00.003-04:00

Last week, I was all out of sorts. It was a crummy week from beginning to end. I was so looking for the weekend and a new week to begin.

I got my hair done on Saturday and that helped me improve my mood a lot. I love love getting my hair done. I dyed it dark brown for the fall and cut off a little over 2 inches. I felt like a new person afterward.

My weight loss has been at a bit of a standstill, so I actually tracked everything that I ate this weekend. Made good decisions and this was the first Monday in a long time that I didn't gain weight. YES!! I hope I can keep this up and have a good weigh in on Friday.

I like starting the week on the right foot. I don't feel like I need to go crazy in order to catch up!

This Wednesday is the first of my iron infusions. I've still a little scared, but now just kind of want to get the first one over with already. I'm more worried about how long it will take. I've heard that the first one can take really long time, becuase they want to make sure you don't have a bad reaction or anything. UGH. Also I asked my mom to try and come with me. That way I'll have company.

Then this weekend I'm going down to Atlantic City for my best friends birthday. At first I wasn't really looking forward to it. Mostly because of the cost. But I haven't been to AC in over a year and I'm really excited to get dressed up and go out for the night.

All in all, this is shaping up to be a pretty good week. I hope it stays that way. lol

What's your plans for the week?

Car is FINALLY fixed

2011-09-14T16:38:00.003-04:00

My car has been finally fixed today. Cost was over $400!! YIKES! However I'm just happy to finally have my car back. It sucked being carless for almost 3 days!

Turns out I needed both front and back brakes done. My back ones were worn out. My front ones somehow were damaged and warped. Which is what was causing the scary loud noise. Which is also scary to think about. Fortunately since they were damaged my front brakes were covered by warranty!! YAY! I only have to pay for the back ones.

Since I needed new pads and rotors it was going to be expensive. So that SUCKED. On top of this, me getting my hair done this weekend (finally and I cannot reschedule again!), Atlantic city for my BFF's birthday the following weekend (which I have to go to), and going to Baltimore the weekend after that (to try on bridesmaids dresses), makes me VERY broke.

I was so close to paying off my credit card completely, but it looks as though it will take another month or so to do it. I'm really bummed about this. I was just starting to get a handle on my finances.

I'm so happy that I get paid on Friday... lol

Lots of Thoughts

2011-09-12T11:56:00.004-04:00

This is be a little all over the place today. Thinking about too many things.

* My weekend was really nice. Went to a PBA luau that was on the beach on Saturday. The weather held out and was a really nice night!! I was upset I didn't win any prizes though. Almost every at my table did but me! Oh well. It was a great night and was much needed. Here is a picture from the day.

* Found out at work that I'm going to be getting an actual office in a few months!! Yay! I'm so excited. Right now I'm in a pretty big cubical, but it'll be nice to have an actual office with a door. And much needed privacy. I can't wait!

*On my way to work this morning, my car started to make crazy noises. Really squeaky noises and then loud rumbling kinda noise. Then it felt strange driving it. I was really scared and pulled over into a shopping center. I called my mom because I didn't know what to do. We went back and forth and finally decided to call AAA. However I really needed to get to work. I didn't want to miss a day. Thankfully I live really close to one of my friends from work. I called him up and he just happened be passing me at that moment!! He stopped and picked me up.

I was going to call AAA after work and deal with it then. However I guess my mom felt bad, she called them up and is right now waiting for them to come and look at it. I feel so bad that she left work for me!! That was so nice of her. I really hope there isn't anything really wrong with my car. With my luck though, it probably will be something.

This wasn't the best way to start the week for me. I'm in a crummy mood now! I hope things start to look up soon.

I hate waiting!

2011-09-08T09:54:00.002-04:00

So I finally made an appoinment to see a hematologist about my low iron. I've been putting it off for a few months. I hate going to the Dr and honestly, I don't feel tired or lethargic so I didn't think me being anemic was that big of a deal. I knew deep down that I needed to get this figured out though. I was just being lazy.

Tuesday was my appoinment. It was for 4:30. They told me to get there a half hour early to fill out paperwork. Which ended up taking me a whopping 5 minutes. At 10 to 5, I am finally called back. I was happy until they took me to the room to get blood drawn. WTF??? I had NO idea I was getting blood work done. Why didn't someone tell me this?? So I had to get that done, and then the nurse weighed me and did all my stats. A little after 5 I was put into an exam room.

Where I sat waiting for 45 minutes!!! I was so cranky and annoyed. 45 minutes is just ridiculous. I was literally about to walk out the door when the doctor came in. Then she had to ask me a million questions about my history and my family history. While I was happy she was detailed, some things I didn't see any connection to why I have low iron. Then I had to get a full body exam, including a breast exam!!! again WTF? I feel like this doctor was determined to find cancer in me, to explain my blood.

Finally a half hour later she tells me I need to get IV Iron. Which is what I've known all along. I basically made this appoinment to get the ball rolling on that. I had no idea I would be there for over 2 hours! UGH. It was 6:15 by the time I got out of there. I was literally the last patient to leave. It was so late I couldn't even set up my appoinment for the IV iron. lol.

I made my appoinment today. I'm a little nervous and wary about the whole thing. I do not want to be made to wait like that again. Plus I don't know if this will even help me. Also what if I get a reaction?

Karen I know you have to get this done often. Can you shed any light on it for me??

Run like the wind

2011-09-06T11:44:00.004-04:00

I hope you all enjoyed your Labor Day! Mine was really nice. I got to go to the beach, for probably the last time. Which makes me a little sad. I love the beach, but it's getting cold here pretty fast. I'm glad to get one more time in.

I went out with some friends on Saturday. It was really fun, but I was really surprised the place wasn't packed. There was barely anyone there it seemed. Same for the beach. I think the hurricane last week really deterred people from coming down to the shore for the weekend. Which was a shame because the weather was perfect.

On Monday, I ran a 5K race with some friends. My last 5K I ran in almost 38 minutes. For this race I really wanted to get under 37. That was my goal. The course was in Long Branch right along the beach. It was so pretty! I got to mile 1 and my time was 10:45!!! I couldn't believe it! I never ran a mile that fast before. I knew if I kept pace, I could get my time under 35. I was determined. It was so hot though, I was covered in sweat. Toward the end I really started to lose steam, and felt a little sick.

My best friend had already finished her race so she ran back and ran with me the rest of the way in!! She really kept me going! It was amazing! I was so happy to see the finish line.

My time: 34:17!!! AHHHHH I knocked almost 4 minutes off my best time! I am so freaking happy about that!! WHOO HOO!!! I can't wait to do more 5Ks and really improve my times more.

We stayed for the awards, my best friend placed 2nd in her age group, and my other friend 1st. My best friend's boyfriend was first in his age group, 7th overall. It can be really intimating to have friends who are such fast runners and have been doing it for so long. But it's also great because they give me tips, and push me to go farther than I think I can.

After the race, we went to eat at a nearby place and get our free beer for doing the race. lol. I got the most amazing sandwich there! It was a panini sourdough bread, with cheddar, bacon and sliced granny smith apples. OMG it was heaven!! It was also really expensive, but I want to have it again! Also the sweet potato fries were delightful.

It was a nice way to finish out the long weekend.

How was your weekend?

Success!!

2011-09-01T12:00:00.003-04:00

It's September 1st. I can't believe how fast August went by though.

I'm happy to say that through shear willpower I did not purchase one single item of clothing, shoes or makeup for 6 weeks!! Holy crap!!! I am so happy that I was able to do this. I paid $1000 toward my credit card and it's almost totally paid off!! Hooray!

I think I need to do this more often. However my closet is in a sad state of affairs. There are seriously NO CLOTHES. IT's all hangers. Every time I've gone down a size, I've gotten rid of my clothes that are too big. It's feels great to do it. However not being able to buy any clothes that fit this past month was HARD.

Alreay today I've ordered clothes online from Macy's, The Limited and The Loft!! I went a little crazy!! lol. I also got a pair of rain boots that were 50% off from Kate Spade. I seriously went to town. But I honestly needed it.

I am however not buying ANY summer clothes. Everything that I've purchased is for the fall. I literally own one single sweater right now. I have a feeling it's going to get cold quick this year. I need to be prepared!

Also since I am still losing weight, everything that I'm buying is on sale/I have a pretty awesome coupon. My Limited stuff I got was 40% off and free shipping. The Macy's stuff, 50% off, free shipping again plus a 20 dollar off coupon! The Loft stuff was 40% off and free shipping. Rain boots 50% off!

I am becoming a pretty awesome bargain shopper. lol. This weekend I also plan on hitting some labor day sales. They are the best!

I just love buying clothes now! I have so many options to choose from!

All Good

2011-08-29T10:46:00.003-04:00

I am really lucky. My home was barely affected by the hurricane!!

I would say 95% of my town is currently without power. I am one of the lucky 5% that never lost power!! My basement which tends to flood got no water either!

A tree in my backyard fell down, but fell away from the house and didn't hit anything.

I know how lucky we are. I know so many people whose houses are currently flooded and have been without power for over 24 hours now! A few friends have stopped by to escape their houses for a little. I'm glad I can help in any little way.

I am at work. Most people seemed to have called out though. One of the roads I normally take is completely flooded out. I will have to take a different route this week, but I don't mind.

I'm actually happy to just be out of my house. I was going stir crazy! I was stuck there from Saturday afternoon to this morning.

I can't wait until things start to go back to normal!

Mud Run (I think I'm crazy)

2011-08-25T11:42:00.004-04:00

Last November, a bunch of people from my gym did a Tough Mudder. It was a 12 mile obstacle course, through water, mud, the forest and FIRE! I was no where near the shape you had to be to do such a race. But it was one of the coolest things I've ever watched! Since that day, I've known I wanted to do a mud run. An obstacle course like that! I just had to get myself strong enough to complete such a task.

Well I feel like I'm almost there! I feel confident enough that I can complete a crazy run like that. So a few friends from my gym and I signed up for a mud run on October 22!!! EEEK!!! I am so nervous already!

It's called MudmanX (they are on Facebook if you want to check it out) and it's a 5 mile obstacle course here in NJ. 5 miles is a lot. I've NEVER ran for 5 miles before. Throw in crazy obstacles and getting soaked with water and mud.... I think I need to be committed. lol.

I have a little less than 2 months to really train for this. I really do think by October, I will be able to do this! I may not be the fastest, but all I care about is finishing! I want to be one of those people who can do crazy athletic things like this. I want to maybe inspire someone to go after this, like I was when I first watched people do it.

So even though I am scared Sh*tless right now, I'm going to use that fear to push me and make me stronger!!!

I can't wait to tell you all about it in October!

Oh Hey there!

2011-08-22T10:54:00.003-04:00

I didn't mean to disappear like that. Last week was just totally crazy. Work was crazy busy, plus I had visitors. Which meant little time on the computer. I missed you all!!! I hate not being able to catch up on blogs!

Here's a quick recap of what I've been up to.

Spent some time with my niece and sister in law before they headed back to India. It will probably be a full year until I get to see them again. Sad face. I am going to miss my niece SO MUCH. She is just the cutest kid and has the best personality.

I saw Wicked on Broadway with my SIL. I LOVED it!!!! I have been wanting to see the musical forever. It totally lived up to my expectations. We had lunch at the Stardust Diner (a total tourist trap) but it was really fun! Then followed it up with the musical. It was a matinee but the theater was completely packed! I'll admit, I got a little teary eyed at the very end! Highly recommend it!

Friday, I saw Ke$ha in concert. I don't really care for her or her music, but it was still a lot of fun. We got cheap lawn seats and there was a good group of us. It POURED though. I had a poncho and I was still soaking wet. Good thing for the beers I drank. It helped me not care about it. lol. At the end of the concert, my feet were caked with mud and confetti! lol. It was still really fun though.

Sunday I went to visit my grandma to celebrate her 89th birthday. There is just no slowing this woman down. She's 89 and in better shape than most people. It was a great day celebrating and lots of good food!!

How cute is she????

Well that sums up my week last week!! Now back to regular programming.

Busy Week

2011-08-15T10:28:00.002-04:00

I am so excited to see my niece when I get home from work today! I am going to be so sad when she and my sister in law go back to India on Thursday. I probably won't see them for a YEAR! UGH. I hate that they live so far away. I wanted to try and go back to India in January again, but I don't believe I will have the days or the money for it.

I am taking off work tomorrow and Wednesday to try and spend as much time as possible with them. I wish it could have been the whole week, but I don't have the days to take off work. Plus we are crazy busy this time a year and it's frowned upon to take off!

So I'll take when I can. I hope you all have a great week!!

I've lost 100 pounds!

2011-08-08T10:47:00.004-04:00

As of last Friday, I have officially lost 100 pounds!! In less than a year!!

Mid July of last year I really starting to hit the gym and watch what I ate. I was too embarrassed to weigh myself yet though. It wasn't until August 22nd that I bit the bullet and weighed myself. The number 289. Sadly, it was probably like 10 pounds higher the month before. However 289 was going to be my official starting point.

I was miserable. I didn't realize how sad and lethargic I was. I can honestly say I am a totally different person now!

Before pictures that still hurt for me to look at sometimes. These were not taken by me. I always made sure to cut off the bottom half of pictures because I hated my stomach. These were from other people who didn't do that.

I'm 20 pounds down in this picture. Even just losing those 20 pounds I was carrying myself differently. I had so much more energy and I was starting to be more confident in myself. Hitting that 20 pounds lost, I knew I could do this! There was no backing away now!

Here I am in India and over 50 pounds down! This is when I really saw a difference in how I looked. I couldn't believe what a difference 50 pounds made! I felt amazing on that trip. I was comfortable in my plane seat. A total first. I didn't feel like I was crushing the person sitting next to me. I was able to walk around for hours and not get tired. It was amazing.

I couldn't believe this picture when I saw it! I thought I looked so tiny! I I'm almost 80 pounds down here. My body was really starting to transform. I still struggle with when I look in the mirror, but looking at pictures I could see the difference. The smile alone, you can tell how freaking happy I was now.

This is me 90 pounds down and in ONEderland!! That was the best night ever. The best birthday. My gym took me out for a night of celebration and I enjoyed every second of it! The outfit I wore was totally out of my comfort zone, but I felt hot that night!

This is me about 2 pounds from being officially 100 pounds lost. It's also the first time I though I looked good in a bathing suit!! I am just so much more confident now. I love myself and that's the biggest thing. I am HEALTHY now. This weight loss is just a bonus. I feel great inside and out!

Here is a picture of the jeans I was wearing in one of my before photos! !!! I cannot believe how big they are now!

Size 24 jeans vs my now size 14 jeans!! EEEK!!!!

I am just so happy I can burst!!! I am setting my next goal to be 160, my goal weight, by Thanksgiving. I've come this far, I KNOW I will get there now. There is no stopping me!!!

YIPPEE!!!!

Tightening my purse strings

2011-08-02T11:47:00.007-04:00

I've said this many times before... I love online shopping!! Lately though it's been really out of control. I was ordering something at least once a week! Two weeks ago, I spent over $200 at Nordstrom (hello anniversary sale)and almost $300 at Bloomingdales. I bought both of those within days of each other. Cut to me having a panic attack and slight buyers remorse. That was WAY too much money!

However when the packages came, they were just to pretty to return!!

Hello my new favorite shoe for the fall.

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Hello shoes I will rarely be able to wear... lol

Hello new fav pair of shades!!

This was my favorite purchase of all!!! It is just so damn pretty!!! I am obsessed with it!!!!

These purchases happen about 2 weeks ago when they were on sale. Still expensive, but at least on sale...

Since that week, I've decided NO shopping at all until September 1. Online or in store. That means, no clothes, shoes, accessories or makeup. I will only buy essentials like food or soap if I need too.

So far, it hasn't been terrible. When it's slow at work, it's been a little rougher, because I usually kill time by looking at websites. I just need to find other ways to keep me occupied. I know I can do this though!

The good thing is I don't really need anything. I have enough summer stuff to keep me happy. Come September 1st, I will be able to buy clothes again, but they must be for the fall!! I literally have not one item of clothing that will fit me for the cooler months. They are all too big! (YAY) I will not allow myself to be tempted to pick up last minute summer deals. Fall and Winter allowed ONLY!

I'm hoping this month off from shopping, will allow my to pay off my credit card finally. Every time I get close, I seem to splurge like this. Come Mid September it should be totally paid off. Then my plan is to pay it off in full every month from then on.

I'll give you an update on how successful I was come September 1!

I'm back! With pictures!

2011-08-01T10:10:00.008-04:00

I'm finally back after a much needed few days off. I had a great week spending time with my niece and family. It was great, but also exhausting!!! I feel like I need another day to sleep! lol.

One of the days last week I took my niece to the beach. It was the first time she had ever seen the ocean. She loved it!! It was a great day. It was my mom, me, my aunt, two cousins and my niece. We had so much gear because of my niece! But once we got settled, we enjoyed the day!

In her little bathing suit!

Playing in the water!

Me and my cousins

After the beach, we went back to my Aunts showered and had some lunch. Then we headed to the boardwalk! (It was a really long day). My niece was able to go on some of the rides. It was so cute to watch her.

Loving the boats.

Hated the fishy. lol

It was the nicest day! I had a blast, but we were all exhausted afterwards. My niece even slept in the next day!! The rest of the week, I took her swimming a few more times at people's pools. The kid just loves the water! I am so happy about that. I can't wait until she's old enough to learn how to swim!

Now it's back to reality. I woke up at 5:30 in the morning yesterday to drive down to Maryland with my mother to drop off my niece to her mother. We met about halfway between each other. It was a long drive and I was so sleepy. My niece will be in Virginia for the next two weeks and then she'll be back up in NJ for a few days before taking back off for India. I will be so sad when she leaves. I probably won't get to see her until next summer! I hate that they live so far away.

Weekend Snapshot

2011-07-25T15:50:00.003-04:00

This weekend was a blast!! I had so much fun with my friends who came up to visit! It was just what I needed.

Friday I saw Harry Potter and I may or may not have cried during it. lol. It was great!!!

Saturday spent the day at the beach, playing in the ocean. Afterwards my friend had a BBQ and some drinks. Where I played flip cup terribly. Then we went out for the night and I danced my butt off!! It was so much fun!

Sunday we went back to the beach for a few hours. I was sad to have my friends leave, but so happy they made the trip up the NJ. Plus I wasn't too sad, because I have my niece to play with for the rest of the week!!

Seriously, I can't even take how cute she is!

Enjoying some yummy pasta!

Now I just have to make it through work tomorrow and I get the rest of the week off!

Longest week ever

2011-07-19T11:04:00.003-04:00

Always around this time a year I get antsy. I just need a break from work and relax!! It seems everything and everyone is getting on my last nerve. I hate being snippy like it. I try to go on vacation to recharge my batteries but that just wasn't in the cards for me this year. Instead I'm doing a mini staycation next week!

First up this weekend two friends from college are coming up to visit. My BFF's friends from college are also coming down for the weekend. In total there will be about 15 people! I cannot wait to see everyone! My bff friends are my friends too. We've gotten to know each other really well over the years. Last year we had a similar gathering and it was a blast. I hope this will be a repeat.

Most people aren't coming down until Saturday. One girl is coming Friday and the plan is to go see the Harry Potter movie together. Which has been our little tradition together.Saturday will be beach all day, followed by a BBQ and then going out for the night. Sunday if we are up for it, we'll hopefully go to the beach for a few hours before everyone heads home.

Then I have to work Monday and Tuesday. Boo. Then I'm off Wednesday through Friday! My niece will be back up for the week. I can't wait to spend time with her. I plan on taking her to the beach for the very first time. I also plan on taking her to this kiddie water park that's nearby. She just loves the water. Which is amazing for someone who's just 13 months!

Hopefully this weekend and those few days off will be just what I need! Until then, I'm counting down the days and hours until Friday!

Weekend Snapshot*

2011-07-18T12:48:00.003-04:00

My view from the beach this weekend!

*Do you like this weekend snapshot thing? This is the second time I've done it. I think it's a good alternative to just recapping my weekends, which can seem redundant sometimes I think.

I can see the finish line!

2011-07-13T09:33:00.003-04:00

Since my birthday, I've been indulging a little too much with food than I would like. Even though I've lost a lot of weight, I'm not quite where I want to be yet. I would like to lose about another 40 pounds. It's frustrating to basically lose a whole person and still have to lose more weight!

To get myself back on track I've set up some mini goals to hit. The first is to lose 20 pounds by September 10. Me and three other women at my gym came up with this together. We figured it was a decent period of time and September 10 is the date of a local PBA beach party that we are all going to. So the party would be our reward for a job well done. Well my trainers found out about our pact and ran with it. Now there are I think 12 of us doing this 20 pound challenge. Whoever loses 20 pounds first, the gym will buy our ticket for the party! Now that's some really good motivation! Plus it actually boggles my mind that when I lose this 20 pounds, I'll be smaller than when I was a senior/junior in high school!!

I would like to hit my goal weight, by Thanksgiving. Which means if all goes according to plan, I will need to lose about 18 pounds after September 10. I know I can do this! I just need to buckle down again and stop going out so much! The past few weekends I've been going out way to much and drinking more than I should be. I've become a social butterfly since losing all this weight! lol. While I love that I have a much more active social life, I need to find a balance.

Now my only problem is I don't have a reward for when I finally reach my goal weight by Thanksgiving. I'm thinking it needs to be something big! I mean it has to be! By Thanksgiving if all goes according to plan, I'll have lost almost 140 pounds!

Here's what I've been thinking about what I should do.

1. A trip somewhere with friends. I've never been to Vegas and I'm dying to so that would be the first place I'd want to go.

2. A new tattoo. I really want to get a tattoo of a Phoenix. I love the symbolism of rising from the ashes.

3. A huge shopping spree (like $1000 worth) ala "What not to wear" style.

What do you think? Do you have any other ideas?? What would you do?

Snapshot of my weekend

2011-07-11T14:26:00.002-04:00

This pretty much sums up my weekend. Lots of sun and fun. One day at the pool with my pups and the next day I was at the beach all day. It was the perfect lounge in the sun weekend.

Bonus, I got very little sunburn!! SCORE!

I love long weekends

2011-07-06T13:55:00.003-04:00

I hope everyone had a great weekend!! Mine was great. A nice little break from my normal routine.

Saturday I participated in a bar crawl. It was a little insane. It started at one and I didn't go home until 10 that night!! NINE hours. I was dying toward the end and there were so many people there older than me that kept on going! I can't handle that. I had one drink at each place, and at some I shared with a friend. Other people were downing like 3 drinks at each bar! CRAZY! It was really fun but a whole lot of walking. We covered over 3 miles of bars. lol.

Also the last bar we were at was outside on the bar and we got to see fireworks that were happening in another town over. It was the best view! That was a really nice ending of a long day.

It was a great day. Sunday I had plans on going to the beach, so I was a little upset when I woke up to pouring rain. However it was also kinda nice that it was raining. I was able to just chill out at home and not be pressured to go out. I needed a good rest day. Monday was still pretty cloudy, but the afternoon was great and I spent the day by my friends pool.

I am crazy pale right now. I usually have a little tan by now, so I'm not used to this. lol. I know the sun is bad for me, but I need a little color. I'm hoping that the weather is good this weekend and I can finally head to the beach. I live 10 minutes away and haven't been able to go once yet!

How was your long weekend? Catch any fireworks or sun?

Best. Birthday. Ever

2011-06-27T11:24:00.006-04:00

Well my birthday isn't until tomorrow, but I had the best birthday weekend!!! I made my goal of getting under 200 by my birthday, so it was a double celebration!

On Saturday I went to my gym and met up with my friends that were going to celebrate with me. I made a speech about how much I've changed and how different I am from last year. I basically bawled my eyes out. lol. Then it was time to party!!!

One of my friends made me this big jug of Malibu Bay Breezes!!!

My trainer ordered a stretch HUMMER to take us out to the bar. I have never had someone do something like this for me before. I was so excited and felt so loved!!!!

This was my crew for the evening. I was so touched that so many people wanted to come and celebrate my birthday with me. I've never had people make a big deal about my birthday before. It felt wonderful.

The inside of the hummer!

Me and my Best friend. Getting out drink on. lol

Having a blast. Please not the glow sticks in my shirt! lol.

We went to this bar called the Colorado Cafe. It was so much fun!! They had a mechanical bull!

It was so much fun but really hard! I fell off a bunch of times!

YEE HAW!!!!!

It was a great night. I had a blast!!!! This is something that I will always remember and keep close to my heart. What an amazing party!!!!!

Short Week!

2011-06-22T09:23:00.002-04:00

I am so happy. Today is my Friday!! Whoo hoo!!!!

With my sister in law and niece in town, I really wanted to take a few days off to spend time with them. I am so looking forward to just being able to relax at home. I always feel like when you go away somewhere on vacation, you need another few days to recover when you get home! lol. So it'll be nice to be able to sleep in and just do whatever I please.

This week is going to be pretty awesome. Spending time with my family tomorrow and Friday and then on Saturday is my big birthday bash!!! I just know I'll hit my goal by then. I can't wait! We are going to this like country western bar that is in northern jersey. There is a mechanical bull! Something I've always wanted to do! Plus my gym ordered a car service so no one has to worry about driving.

I've never had a big birthday thing like this thrown for me before. It really feels amazing to have people care about me like this and throw me a party like this! I am the luckiest person!

I won't be blogging until Monday or Tuesday probably. But I will hopefully have pictures to share with you all!!! Have a great week!!

So excited!!!!

2011-06-16T09:40:00.002-04:00

I just found out today that my sister in law and niece are coming to the states this Tuesday!!!! I am so excited to see them! I haven't seen my niece since I was in India in February. I can't wait to see how much bigger she is!!

My sister in law has to do some training in DC in July. Initially she was just coming to the US when her training starts and was then going to spend a few days with us in August before flying back. However her boss is making her take her vacation time now. She was trying to save it, so her and my brother could take the time off together. However it wasn't approved and she will be spending almost 2 months here now.

While I'm bummed she couldn't take the time off with my brother and that I don't get to see him, I'm really happy I get to spend more time with my niece!!! They'll be spending a week with us now, then in July my mom is going to take my niece for a week while my SIL has to work. Then we get another week in August!

I can't contain my excitement that in just a few days I get to give my niece the biggest hug!!

New and exciting opportunities

2011-06-09T10:54:00.003-04:00

I told you all a few weeks ago that there were some big changes happening at my job. At the time though I couldn't really get into what was happening. I am a semi private blogger. I post pictures of myself on here and use my real first name. Sometimes that makes me uber paranoid that someone in real life will find me.

I love my job and never ever want to put myself in jeopardy. Anyway it's more or less public now, so I feel like it's okay to talk about it. A little...

The company I work out has many divisions. TV, Books, clothing company, websites, and advertising and marketing. I work under the advertising part. Last year the whole company was bought by a HUGE company. Nothing changed from day to day. Not even our name.

We found out a while ago that this new company thought that my department wasn't very important. We didn't make enough money to make a blip on their radar. They only wanted the big big money makers. So our head VP started looking around for potential buyers. It was pretty stressful for them. You could totally tell. Their entire demeanor changed and things were so tense at work. Everyone was nervous and walking on eggshells. We didn't want to lose our jobs. We LOVE this place.

Luckily we did find someone to buy us!! The great thing is almost everyone got to keep their jobs and nothing is really changing day to day wise. We are getting a new name and logo, and it will be announced publicly in the next few weeks.

Since it's happened it's like everyone took a huge sigh of relief. The atmosphere has been totally different and everyone is much more happier! The only con that has happen is my insurance went up. We went from a company of about 800 employees to only now 150. So my copay and deductible rose. As did the monthly amount taken out of my check. Thankfully it isn't too bad though. They really did their best to give us the same benefits we had without costing an arm and a leg.

I was initially really worried about my position. Now though things are turning around and it looks like in the upcoming months there will be new and exciting opportunities for me. I hope I can show them my worth and that I can do a great job if I get more responsibility. Fingers crossed!!

My Second 5K!

2011-06-06T15:43:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I participated in my second 5K race. My best friend's school that she works at was having a 5K to raise some money. My friend is an amazing runner and she's been wanting me to run a race with her for a long time. Here was my chance.

A few people from my gym came along too which was great. I was very nervous though. More than I was last time. There was only about 80 people doing the race and I had a feeling that I was going to be last. Everyone else looked in much better shape than me.

Plus my friends that were there are all really good runners and have been doing this since high school. That didn't really help my self esteem. But I shrugged those feelings away and realized that at least I'm doing this race! This time last year there was no way I would have been able to!!

Off we went on the race. They said the course was flat, but they lied. It was pretty hilly!! Also the way it was set up, you had to loop around a few times. It was pretty discouraging to see all my friends pass me on their way back! But I kept pushing forward. Two of my gym buddies stayed with me thankfully, which really kept me going!

By the third mile I was dragging. I wanted to walk it in so bad. There were people stationed along the way with water and to tell you where to go. One of them made a nasty comment to me about how a dog nearby was running faster than me!! WHAT AN ASSHOLE!!! At least I was running the race!! Why would someone even say that to me! Ugh I was so mad!!

Then all of a sudden my best friend came running toward me and ran with me the whole way in!! Seeing her come after me to cheer me on was amazing. It really pepped me up and gave me enough energy to push through and finish strong!

I finished in 37:56. Almost two full minutes off my last 5K!! Which I couldn't believe. I felt awful during most of the race, I had no idea that I was doing so much better pace wise!!

I ended up finishing 3rd to last, but at least it wasn't last!! I'm very happy with my time and at how much I have been improving with running. One day I know I'll get under 35 minutes and be able to run the whole thing!

After the race my friend had a BBQ at her house. It was nice to hang out with my friends and eat some yummy food!! My friend finished 3rd overall, and her boyfriend won the race! I need to start running with them more often! lol

June is Here!!

2011-06-02T10:00:00.004-04:00

This week has been flying by!! I cannot believe it's June!!!

My weekend was pretty fun. I didn't get to go the Mets game, there was all these problems that happend. I was bummed I didn't get to go, but I also wasn't that surprised things fell apart. A friend of a friend's husband was planning the outing. Things like that never work out, especially when people are lazy and dont' want to bother making an actual plan.

I was kind of glad I didn't go though. I was really hungover all day Saturday. I had a headache that just did not want to go away! I had a blast at the PBA Ball. It was fun to get all dressed up. It felt like a wedding, DJ, open bar and lots of dancing. Plus there was a chinese auction. I didn't win anything, but that's okay. It was just fun to hang out with friends like that. I just paid for it dearly the next day. lol

I did get to go to a BBQ on Monday. It was so hot out and they had a pool so I was able to get my first swim in!! I love love the water and can spend hours at a time in it. I got a little color and it felt nice to just lay on a float in a pool. I have a feeling this is going to be a good summer!

My birthday is at the end of June. The 28th. Since I've lost so much weight, my personal trainer (who is also a friend) told me that if I get under 200 pounds by June 25th, she is getting a car service and we are going to a country western bar that's in northern NJ!! It's been a goal I've been working toward for a few months now. It is getting so close!! I am only 6 pounds away!! I am working my butt off to hit that goal!! I can't even remember the last time I was under 200 pounds. It actually boggles my mind that I've gotten this far!

It's also a lot of pressure on me to get this done. There are a ton of people from the gym that are planning on going!! Every day they ask me for updates. It's a little nerve racking but at the same time it's really making me push myself! I have a little over 3 weeks to hit this goal!! Wish me luck!!!

MDW!!!

2011-05-26T12:10:00.002-04:00

I am so so happy that tomorrow is the start to Memorial Day Weekend!! YESSS

My office is letting us leave at 2 tomorrow, which makes me really excited!!

My weekend is looking to be pretty awesome so far. I don't know what it is, but I've been so busy these past few weekends. I think because I'm in such a better place lately that I've just been saying YES to everything. It's really liberating to be so happy and actually want to go out and do different things. I feel like I've missed out on so much, but not anymore!!

I will no longer stop myself from trying new things and experiences!

Friday night I'm going to a PBA ball in the town right next to mine. The gym trainers bought a table and I will be going. I'm really excited about it. It's rare when I get to dress up and I LOVE to dress up. I bought this dress like 8 months ago, way before I could ever dream of fitting into it. It was on the dressy side and an occasion just never came up for it. Now it's almost too big on me! So I'm happy I will actually have a chance to wear it before I give it away.

It'll be good to be with my little gym family for a night out. I've never seen some of these people not wearing workout clothes! The ball will also have a ticket auction and I really want to win something! Anything! lol.

Saturday I'm going to the Mets game! I love my Mets and I haven't been to the new field yet so I'm excited. We are taking the ferry in which is always so much fun. Plus we won't have to worry about traffic and driving all that way. I can't wait to cheer my team on!

Sunday is hopefully a day of relaxing. I know I'm going to be tired from Friday and Saturday. Although I really want to see the Hangover, so maybe I'll go see that with some friends. It looks hilarious.

I hope you all have a great weekend!! Any plans??

My First 5K with pictures!!!

2011-05-23T11:59:00.008-04:00

Saturday was great weather for my race! Sunny and in the 70s! I was really excited but I was also really nervous! I felt like I had to pee a hundred times!! lol. I knew I was going to finish the race, but I was afraid of being too slow I guess. I was just nervous!

About 650 people were running this race!! Yikes that was a lot! About 50 people from my gym were also doing the race. We all had on black tank tops or t-shirts with they gym logo on the back. It was pretty cool. We were everywhere! lol

Here I am with my friends from the gym. Getting ready for the race!

And we're off!! This is me at the beginning! All smiles!!

During the race I felt pretty good. I only stopped and walked two times. This was the longest I've ever ran!! I got to mile one by 12 minutes! That fastest I've ever ran a mile outside!! If I kept on pace I could maybe make my goal of getting under 40 minutes!!

Almost to mile 3 I started to lose steam. I was tired and HOT. The way the race was set up. You ran along streets and the last quarter was around a track. That quarter was just cruel!! It was brutal!! I was going really slow at this point. Then all of a sudden I saw my trainer. She came sprinting toward me!! She pushed me to run faster and to just concentrate on passing at least one person ahead of me.

I wanted to cry! How could I go faster?? I felt like puking! As we rounded the last bend, I could see the finish line and the clock. It was at 39:30! I knew if I sprinted I could get it under 40! So I took off, leaving my trainer in the dust!!

Here I am finishing the race! Still all smiles!!! My final time was 39:51!! YESSS I did it!!! If it wasn't for my running buddy and my trainer I wouldn't have done it!! I am so so proud of myself!

Here is most of the people from my gym after the race!

Here I am with my trainers. My running buddy gave me flowers at the finish line. How sweet is that?? I could cry!

Still all smiles after the race!

After the race, we all went to a local bar that's right on the bay. It was 10:30 and wasn't open yet! We talked the bartender into opening up for us and we sat outside and enjoyed some nice drinks. I was starving, but we had to wait until the kitchen was open at 11:30. I got the best burger and it was the perfect way to celebrate the day. It was so beautiful out! I got a pretty bad sunburn on my shoulders! lol. But it was totally worth it.

It was a great day. One that I know I will remember for years and years.

I can't wait until my next 5K, which is only 2 weeks away!! I guess I'm hooked!

Almost time for my 5K!!

2011-05-18T09:18:00.003-04:00

This Saturday I will be running/walking my very first 5K!!! I can't believe it's almost here!! Time really goes by too fast sometimes. I am really excited about the race. I feel much more confident than I was when I first signed up.

I know I will finish it. I've run a couple of my own 5K and my average time is around 45 minutes to finish. I'm hoping to get under that the day of my race!

I know I can run for at least 8 minutes at a time before needing a quick 90 second walk. Hopefully the day of the race, with all those people and the adrenaline, I can run for a bit longer. But I won't be upset if I can't!

There a lot of people I know running this race. Plus I have a running buddy who promised to not leave me during the race!! Having someone to run with makes all the difference in the world to me. It makes time go by so much faster! She also pushes me when I don't want to push myself.

My friend's mom is going to be watching the race. I'm hoping she'll get a few pictures of me during the race so I can share with all of you!

EEEEK!! It's so close!!!

*I'm down almost 80 pounds!!!!!! I never thought I could get here. The last time I fit into the size I'm currently wearing, I was a Senior in high school. Which was 8 years ago!

Changes are a coming

2011-05-12T10:54:00.000-04:00

A lot has been going on this week. Especially with work. I can't really go into right now, but it has been pretty stressful.

Hopefully next week I can talk a little more openly about it.

It feels like Friday to me, because this week has been so long. I hate that it's only Thursday and I still have to wait another whole day til the weekend! I just need to relax and decompress.

This weekend is going to be fun though. I am going to see Bridesmaids this Friday. It look so funny, I can't wait! Then on Saturday I'm going out for a friends birthday. We are starting at this bar that's right on the beach, which will be nice. Hopefully it won't rain. Either way it'll be great to be sitting by the ocean.

What are your plans for the weekend?

On to the next one

2011-05-09T12:15:00.002-04:00

So my potential online date never e-mailed me back...

I'm not sure what happened. He just disappeared. I did e-mail him on Friday morning to confirm if we were still on to meet, and I just never got a response.

Usually I would take this kind of rejection really personally and give up on this whole online dating thing all together. However I know I did nothing wrong. Maybe he just decided he wasn't feeling it. Plus any guy who can't at least send an e-mail response back to a person is not someone I would want to spend my time with.

It's back to the drawing board for me. I'll keep on putting myself out there and hopefully will be able to meet a good guy soon!

Need Advice!!!

2011-05-04T10:37:00.003-04:00

I decided to give online dating another try. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but I'm locked into doing for at least the next few months. Whether I like it or not. The whole thing just makes me a nervous wreck though. I feel like I never know what to say or how to come across flirty and fun through my words on the page. I feel like I can never adequately describe myself when having to write about me. It makes me uncomfortable.

Then there is e-mailing people!! Ugh I never have any idea what to say or how to break the ice. Or make myself memorable enough to get a response. Basically it's really hard. Plus I haven't really told anyone IRL about it either because I feel like there is still a stigma about online dating. Even though it happens all the time now.

Anyway, I've been on the site for a couple of weeks now. Here's what's happened so far.

One guy "winked" at me. So I e-mailed him back this little paragraph and tried to be funny. His e-mail back to me? "Ur pretty i want to kiss u". Ummm that's it? Not even the words fully written out?? Plus WTF?!?!?! So that one went into the trash folder.

A second guy "winked" at me. But his profile was about his religion and his love for God, and how he tries to live for Christ. That's good for some people, but I'm not particularly religious. I believe in God, but that's about the extent of my religion. Also he lived in another state like 4 hours away. I didn't understand why he would even contact me.

A third guy e-mailed me. I wasn't really into it from his profile but I gave him a shot anyway. Because for all I know he could just have had as hard a time as me in writing these things. We exchanged a couple of e-mails and he seems OK but his grammar and punctuation was awful. I'm sorry but that is a huge pet peeve of mine. How hard is it to just quickly re-read what you wrote? Also he never capitalized the beginning of sentences. Ugh annoying. Anyway I overlooked all that because other than him, no one else was showing me any interest.

His third e-mail though, creeped me out so much I had to stop. He kept on going on and on about how he looks for girls to do certain things with him and how he was willing to do the same for girls, even if it involved fetishes. That what he wanted was his deepest darkest secrets and that he would tell them to me if I wanted to hear. Nope sorry. Not into fetishes like that. There was more and there was just red flags all over the place. NEXT.

Finally a guy winked at me and he seemed kinda cute and funny. So I winked back. Then he followed up with an e-mail that was reasonably written!! No text speak at all! We exchanged some e-mails and I was really liking what I was reading. The other day he suggested we meet for drinks. This is where I get nervous. I feel like it's a little fast to already be meeting. Plus he doesn't have a car so I will have to drive 45 minutes to meet him. I'm not crazy about that.

I pushed my fears and nervousness aside and agreed to meet this coming Friday in Hoboken which is near where he lives. That was on Monday evening. It's now Wednesday and I haven't heard from him since. We still have yet to pick a time or a place. I don't know what happened. Maybe he's waiting until Friday to pick the place and stuff? I'm a planner and I like to know ahead of time what's going on. I'll feel rushed if he waits that long. Plus I'm so nervous to begin with that I just keep on wanting to cancel. The more time that passes by with no response, the more nervous I get.

I don't know what to do. Should I e-mail to see what is going on? Wait it out? Cancel because I feel very uneasy already?

Ughh I hate this!!! Please give me advice!!!

Practice Run

2011-05-02T11:23:00.002-04:00

I really love the gym I go to. They really push me and motivate me! For May they have an individual challenge. The winner of this challenge gets $1000!! Needless to say I want to win!!

This isn't the first challenge I've done with the gym. But it's the first time that I really think I can win. The winner has to have the best improved body composition in 5 weeks and also complete all the challenges they have listed. I'm not so worried about the body composition part. I'm still losing weight pretty consistently (I just recently hit 75 pounds lost!!!!!). It's the challenges I'm most worried about. They are CRAZY.

Here is a sampling of what needs to be done.

- Run 1/4 mile with a weighted vest on. (has to be done at least 4 times)
- Run a 1/2 mile (has to be done at least 4 times)
- Run a 5K (at least 3 times)
- Jump rope at least 100 times in a minutes.
- Do at least 25 burpees in a minutes.
- Elevated kettlebell squats with a 30 pounds weight for one minute.
- full situps with a 12 pound medicine ball for one minute. No stopping allowed.
- deadman's hang. You have to hang from a ladder for 60 seconds. I can only do 10 seconds right now!!!
- 4 bonus challenges. We don't find out the first one until next Sunday.

Believe it or not, there are a lot more challenges that have to be completed. I just can't remember them all. For all of the challenges you have to do better each time. So I got 104 jumps for the jump rope yesterday. Next time I do it, it has to be more than 104! I am the most worried about the deadman's hang and the bonus challenges. I cannot hold my body up like that for 60 seconds. The bonus challenges are usually brutal!!! Ugh it makes me nervous just thinking about it.

For all the runs we have to do, they are all outside!! Yikes!!

I decided to get one of the 5Ks out of the way yesterday. So me and my gym buddy went off and running. The trail is so hilly!!! I was really struggling during some parts. I basically would run for 6 minutes and then walk for 90 seconds. I finished in 48 minutes and 11 seconds. I was so mad that it wasn't under 45!!! I have been doing 3 miles in 42 minutes for a few weeks now, but I've been doing it on mostly flat surfaces. Those hills killed me!!!

I hope my time will be a lot better for the next run. My body is paying me back for it today too. I am so sore!!! My legs are killing me. Every time I sit or stand up I want to cry!!! I cannot believe how sore I am. I iced last night and have been taking advil round the clock!! I'm going to have to beg my trainer tonight to focus on arms and not legs! Ugh I will cry if she makes me do legs tonight! lol.

I am happy to have done the 5K. It was really good practice for the 5K I'm doing on May 21st. Hopefully this will help me improve my times!

I can't hear you

2011-04-28T11:11:00.003-04:00

I've always had problems with my ears. I had chronic ear infections when I was little. I have wax buildup that I had to get tubes in my ears twice to get rid of it. Because of all that, I didn't start speaking until I was 3 years old because I couldn't hear very well. Then when I did start speaking no one could understand me because my speech was so messed up.

Anyway years of speech therapy later and two ear surgeries later I've been okay. I still get ear infections from time to time though, and once in a while I'll get a ear wax buildup. Also from my surgeries I have pretty significant scar tissue in my left ear. I've always known that.

I've also always known that I need to pay special attention to my ears. It's not something I mess around with. Ever. When I was in college I had to have a hearing test for my major. Which I ended up switching anyway. The hearing test came back and showed that I had some hearing loss in my right ear after a certain amount of hertz/decibels. I was really upset when I found that out, but they assured me that I was fine and I didn't need to do anything for it.

Fast forward to today. I had to see an ENT because my right ear felt like it had cotton inside. A sure sign that I had a wax buildup. This was the first time for me seeing this particular doctor. My old one no longer took my insurance. Anyway he removed my wax (which, TMI, was HUGE. Like the size of the end of a q-tip. YUCK) and then he did a hearing test since I had never been there.

Well I knew something was wrong when he kept of retesting my right ear. Turns out I have pretty severe hearing loss in my right ear. Like he was shocked by it. I can hear normal everyday sounds, but when I get into loud places or when there is a lot of noise happening I cannot hear. He has asked me if something traumatic happened to my ear that may have caused the loss. Like a fire cracker going off right next to my ear. Nothing like that has ever happened to me (that I remember anyway) so he thinks it must of been during one of the many times I was sick. A virus must of caused the hearing loss. Or I could have been born this way. (anyone have lady gaga stuck in their ear now? lol)

The fact that I never really realized the hearing loss means that I've been dealing with it for years and have just adapted myself to it. Like for instance, I always tilt my right eat forward when talking to people. He told me that if it was a normal hearing person who had lost as much hearing as I have overnight, they wouldn't be able to deal with it. There would be a significant difference.

I am really upset over this. I've known for a while that I had some kind of hearing loss, but having it really explained to me like that scared the crap out of me. I don't want to lose my hearing. It's always been a fear of mine. I don't know what I would do, not being able to listen to music or watch a movie without sound. Or even just hearing waves crash at the beach.

He wants to see why caused the hearing loss. So I now have to go for a contrast MRI of my head. I hate hate IVs so I'm upset that I have to get the MRI done. But it'll be good to know if he can find out exactly what happened. And maybe prevent it from happening to my other ear.

For now I have to keep a closer watch on my ears. Yearly checkups and if I get another ear infection seeing the Dr immediately.

I just wish I wasn't so upset about this whole thing. I've been crying about it all morning. I need to perk up and just focus on making sure it doesn't get worse.

Tired of Driving

2011-04-26T12:05:00.003-04:00

This past weekend was good, but there was just so much travelling that I feel exhausted.

I went down on Friday to see my friends in Maryland. Which should have take at most 2 and a half hours, took me FIVE. Ugh. The entire state of Delaware I sat in traffic. If you know me in real life, you would know how much I hate traffic. I actually get anxiety when I hit it. Thankfully I was able to not FREAK out while I was in it, but I was still pretty upset. As soon as I arrived at my friends house, all those bad feeling went away and I was able to enjoy myself.

We all went out to dinner and caught up on each other's lives. It was a really fun night out. Then my friend who's house I was staying at stayed up til pretty late just chatting. It made me realize how much I miss hanging out with them! I hate that I live so far away!

Saturday was my friend's baby shower. It was really cute and fun. She got so many presents I have NO idea how she's going to get them back to her house! I left shortly after the shower ended. The house where it was located, was close to Delaware so it made sense for me to go home right from there, instead of travelling back down again. What would have normally taken 2 hours, took me about 3 hours to get home. Not as bad as Friday, but still pretty sucky.

Also I stopped at a rest stop in NJ to go to the bathroom. When I stepped inside the line for the women's bathroom wrapped all the way around the rest area to the front door!! I couldn't believe it! I said forget this and just held my pee in. Which was pretty painful. lol. but there was no way I was waiting a good hour there.

I guess I didn't realize that Easter would be such a big traveling weekend. I figured since it's a religious holiday most people would stay in. I guess not. Probably since a lot of people were on spring break as well.

Sunday I headed to North Jersey to see my cousins. I had not seen a lot of them since Christmas so it was nice!! Also a lot of them noticed my weight loss! It felt really nice to have my efforts finally recognized and complimented. Although I felt a little awkward when some of them kept on going on and on about it.

I ate so much food on Sunday. I wanted to bust!! There was appetizers, homemade pasta, turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, veggies, and dessert. I get full just thinking about it! It was so yummy though and it was great spending the day with my family. We didn't get home until like 10pm. I was exhausted at work the next day.

I was barely home all weekend, and I am so looking forward to relaxing this coming weekend!!

How was your weekend?

busy busy busy

2011-04-21T10:06:00.004-04:00

This week is flying by for me!! I feel like I've had no time to stop and think!

I ordered a new laptop and it finally came in the mail on Monday. I've spent a lot of time setting it up and transferring files from my old computer to it. It is taking WAY longer than I thought it would and I still haven't even tried to move my music yet! That makes me the most nervous! However the new HP Laptop is amazing. It's so fast, pretty and light!! I cannot wait to toss out my old laptop!

Tomorrow I'm taking a half day off at work and going down to Maryland to see my college friends. One of my good friends is pregnant and her baby shower is Saturday. I didn't want to spend all day Saturday traveling, so I decided to make it a little trip and go down the day before. Plus she and her boyfriend moved into a new place and I really want to see it! Wrapping her gift last night took a while since the box was kinda big and I like my gifts to look beautiful when wrapped! lol

Sunday is Easter! I'll be going to my cousins house in northern Jersey like I do every year. I can't wait to see my family and eat some seriously awesome food! My mouth drools with just the thought of all the food that will be there!

I have a feeling this weekend will be a whirlwind but I can't wait! I also can't wait until the following weekend when I can finally relax! I haven't had a laid back weekend in too long!

There's no place like home

2011-04-18T15:19:00.003-04:00

My stay in the hotel over the weekend kinda sucked. It wasn't as terrible as I thought it would be, but I still couldn't wait until I could go back home.

My mom snores. Loudly. Sharing a room with her was horrible. It is very hard for me to go to sleep, especially when I'm in a foreign place, so having my mom snore like Darth Vadar didn't help me. I was there 3 nights total, and I probably got 8 hours sleep for all three nights. AKA I am exhausted today. lol

The first night we were there, the person staying in the room next door was SCREAMING on the phone at midnight. It literally sounded like he was in the room with us. Eventually I had to go to the front desk to complain. I hate making complaints like, I usually just suffer through it, but I just couldn't deal with that obnoxiousness. Thankfully as soon as they called his room up, the noise stopped!!

I did manage to control my eating and I actually managed to lose a few pounds this week, so that was a major plus!!

My dogs were a wreck the whole weekend. They barely ate their food and would not poop. (Sorry TMI). They were so nervous one peed on the bed. Twice. Having the change those sheets was fun. lol. I felt terrible for them. Especially since I couldn't really take them out for a walk in the rain. They were stuck in the room.

Since I was cooped up in a hotel, I felt like I had to find things to do to keep me occupied. It was POURING rain out, which usually means I'm home watching tv in my PJs, but being in a hotel was different. I was going stir crazy. I hung out at my friend's house for a little, went to the gym, and saw Scream 4. I liked Scream 4, but it wasn't nearly as good as the very first scream. Plus I figured out who the killer was pretty quickly. I also ended up going out that night and was a wet dog inside the bar. lol. That rain was terrible.

Sunday bright and early we were able to go home. The floors look great, but having to move everything back was a bitch. After everything was settled in, I was finally able to sit back and relax. I felt like I hadn't been able to really relax since Thursday so it was nice to unwind. I am exhausted today and cannot wait to get home and go to sleep early.

How was your weekend?

Low Iron

2011-04-14T12:03:00.002-04:00

I have very low iron and hemoglobin. For the past 6 months or so I've been taking iron to try and raise my levels. I take double the amount of iron recommended a day. (Can you say hello bathroom problems?)

I saw my doctor the other day and my last blood work came back and no change. I mean how can that be possible?? No Change?? I take iron like it's my job, I eat as much meat and other foods high in iron as possible. Yet still no change? Ugh.

My doctor thinks that my body just doesn't absorb iron normally. Which means in another 6 weeks if my iron and hemoglobin don't rise, I have to see a hematologist and probably get IV iron. Which really scares me. I hate needles very very much and that just makes me nervous.

So I'm hoping that we'll see some change this month. My doctor told me to take my iron pills with OJ because it helps it absorb better. Maybe that will help!!

Keep your fingers crossed!

Homeless for a few days...

2011-04-13T09:29:00.005-04:00

Starting Thursday my mom is having our hardwood floor refinished and sealed. Which means no one can be home from Thursday until Sunday. Needless to say I'm not very happy about the situation.

One I don't think my mom needed to spend all this money right now. It wasn't something that had to be done. I would rather her save her money better. She has no concept of saving money for the future and it drives me crazy! It also makes me really nervous that she won't be able to retire when she would like too. I just wish I could get her to understand that.

Second I have my 2 dogs to worry about. Luckily my mom found a hotel that allows pets, but I worry that they will tear the place apart, or pee all over because they are in a strange place. I'll just have to walk them constantly. Also I'm going to try and spend as little time as possible in the room, or I'll go crazy, so they'll have to be in their cages longer than they usually are.

Third, packing up all my mom's lenox, figurines, vases and glasses from out wall unit and china cabinet was torture. It took two days to pack everything away and put them in the basement. I had no idea we had so much crap in the house. When the floors are finished we are going to have to put everything back. Ugh. Also tonight my brother and I have to move the couches, and tables out of the living room and dining room, so that will be fun.

Fourth, I'm worried about my eating. I won't have a kitchen to make my own food which means I have to eat out for a few days. I'm worried I'm going to over indulge and gain weight! I am terrible at picking healthy options. If I eat out, I usually go for what looks the best and is tastiest. I hope I will be strong enough to avoid temptation.

Sorry for the rant. This whole thing has just been a mess and I cannot wait until it's over. Hopefully by Sunday I'll be back in the house and back to normal.

Seriously?!?!

2011-04-05T10:32:00.004-04:00

Last week I ordered the cutest dress online from Macy's. I was so excited to get it in the mail. That package was delivered last night and when I opened it up, to my surprise there was no dress. Instead I got a WHITE T-SHIRT. WTF Macys???? How does someone packing up a shipment confuse a blue/green dress for a white t-shirt?? I mean aren't they supposed to double check these things? So now I have to get in touch with Macy's (because there is no way I'm paying for shipping to return this), and straighten this out and get what I freaking ordered! Have you ever had a mix up like this when shopping online?

Spring into Summer 5K

2011-03-29T10:35:00.005-04:00

I think I may have lost it. I officially registered to do a 5k in two months!! EEEKK!!! At the gym I go to, they sign up to do a 5K together each year as a group. A lot of people do it and it's apparently a fun time. For months now I've been wanting to get better at running. I really suck at it. It took a while, but at best I can run for 3 minutes without stopping. And it literally took me months and months to get to this point. I'm hoping by the time the 5k comes along I will be able to run for a longer period of time. I know I won't be able to run the whole thing, my goal is to finish in under 40 minutes. Something that I really think I can accomplish if I train really hard for the next 2 months. There are two women at the gym, who offered to stay with me the whole time. It really means a lot to me that they are willing to do this. Having someone encourage and push me is definitely going to help me finish the race. Even though I'm nervous and scared about this race, I'm also really excited and proud that I actually signed up for it!

Happy Anniversary!!

2011-03-24T11:24:00.003-04:00

This Sunday, the 27th, will mark 3 years since I started this blog.

3 YEARS!!!!!

I can't believe I've been blogging for so long. I never thought I would keep up with it the way I have. I am so so happy to be able to have this outlet for my life. It's really helped me worked through some issues, and deal with stress and anxiety in a healthy way.

Plus I've meet some awesome bloggers along the way. I really hope one day I can meet some of them in person. For now though I'll enjoy the blogger relationships online. I am so grateful to get the comments I get and advice when I have questions. I kinda suck as a commenter myself on other people's blogs but I'm trying to get better!! Sometimes I just feel like I have nothing good to say so I'll just won't write anything. Also I can be a bit shy!

I noticed that I have over 25 people who subscribe to my blog. I only get a handful a comments on each post and would love to know the others who are reading this blog! If I don't know who you are, I can't return the favor and read your blogs!!

So Happy Anniversary blog!! I hope we share many more years to come!!

Car Trouble

2011-03-21T11:14:00.002-04:00

Last week my tire pressure light went on. This was the 3rd time it has happened in a few months and I was getting really tired of it. On Saturday, I went to fill up my tires. However this time after I filled them up, the light stayed on. Which meant I had to go and have someone look at them.

As I was driving to the auto shop, one of my tires literally shredded to pieces. It just disintegrated. I was driving on the hubcap. It was so scary!! I was able to pull into a parking lot pretty fast thankfully, but the sight was terrible. I was close to home and my brother was able to put the spare tire on it. It took a while to get the tire off and by the time I was back on the road, the place was closed. I had to wait until the morning.

Bright and early I went there. I was there maybe 10 minutes after they opened. Luckily they weren't busy and my car went straight in. Unfortunately, I found out that I needed all 4 tires replaced and my alignment was all messed up. I also found out that in a few months I'll need new brakes too. Goody. Ugh I was so mad.

I had to pay a few hundred dollars and I was not anticipating having to spend so much money this weekend. My bank account is in shock right now I think. Plus, even though they took my car in right away, it still took over 2 hours to get everything fixed!! My whole morning was wasted.

Now thankfully I shouldn't have anymore problems with my tires and I won't have to worry about getting stuck in the middle of nowhere when I go to work. Still it always seems like when one thing breaks, everything else falls apart. Just annoying.

When I got home, my mom had made mashed potatoes of me. I literally ate the whole thing. Not in one sitting (which doesn't make it any better). But I ate them for lunch, snack and dinner. lol. Not the best idea when I'm trying to lose weight. However it totally helped my mood, so all in all worth it. I'll just have to be careful the rest of the week with what I eat.

I fit in that???????

2011-03-14T15:43:00.004-04:00

I did a little shopping this weekend. I was in desperate need of short sleeve tops. All mine from last year were way too big now. (YAY!)

I went to Kohls (had a 30% off coupon), and for the first time in over 5 years I was able to shop in the misses section. It was a surreal experience. I still had to get XL tops, but the fact that I didn't need to head to the plus size section felt incredible.

Although I was really nervous I was getting to far ahead of myself. I would look at all the tops in my hand and think to myself, there is NO WAY they will fit me. They all looked so tiny!! I still see myself as 60 pounds heavier. When I look in pictures I see that I'm smaller, but looking in the mirror is a different story still. I keep on waiting for the day when I look and see that I'm back where I started. Even though I know in my head I can't gain 60 pounds in a day, I guess I still can't believe I've gotten this far.

Being able to try on top after top and have them all fit was amazing. It really helped me realize that I"m not the old me anymore. I even bought a size Large dress!!! It's just a little too tight, but in a month I think I'll be able to wear it. Which is just CRAZY to me. I really thought there was no way the Large would even fit over my head honestly. I couldn't believe I was able to put it on no problems. Just a little tightness around my stomach area.

I even got some workout pants that were larges. They were a little tight but fit pretty well for the most part. Just a few more pounds down and they'll be great! Basically I felt amazing this weekend. Being able to buy those clothes in the misses section was just unreal to me. I loved it! I can't wait until I'm fully out of the plus size stores and can go to the mall no problem!!

_______ wants to be friends on Facebook

2011-03-10T11:10:00.003-05:00

I love Facebook. It's a great way to keep in touch with people, see pictures and remember birthdays. Lately though I've been getting friends requests from people that I don't feel totally comfortable about accepting. I'm not sure if I want them getting this kind of glimpse into my life.

When my parents split up, my dad's family basically cut off all communication toward us. With the exception of a few people and instances, I haven't spoken with most of them in over 14 years. And that was not my choice. I'm not sure if they felt they had to show my dad loyalty or what, but it was basically like we no longer existed to them. I guess I can understand them not wanting to speak or see my mom anymore, but my brothers and I shouldn't have been included in that freeze.

In the past few years with the huge growth in facebook (remember when you had to be in college to join??) I've gotten friend requests from that side of the family. Mostly cousins at first. Which I had no problem with. Lately though Aunts and Uncles have been sending a friend request. That's were things get awkward. These are people I haven't really spoken to since I was a teenager. Why all of a sudden do they want to reach out to me?

Now I really have no problems with any of them. I can see why they cut themselves off like that. It was a nasty divorce, and my brothers and I do not have a relationship with my dad. That makes it really awkward for them to reach out to us. And normally I wouldn't mind accepting these requests, but some of these people act like spies sometimes and report back to my dad everything they learn about us.

It's creepy and uncomfortable. There is a reason I don't talk to my dad, and I hate that they try to find out whatever they can to report back to him. It makes me feel really uncomfortable. I don't really know how to go about telling these people for them to respect me and not do that. They are his family. Plus it's facebook, so it's not a face to face conversation. It's just weird.

I've accepted these requests because I don't want to look like a bitch. (I seriously have issues sometimes) However if I ever get really uncomfortable I'll be unfriending them. I'm just not ready for my dad to know that much about my life.

Also on that note, I still haven't sent that letter to my dad yet. I'm not sure I really want to reach out again like that. I was so hurt the last time I did. I really keep on going back and forth. So for now it'll stay in my drafts folder until I'm 100% sure either way.

ABCs

2011-03-07T10:24:00.004-05:00

Here's the ABC meme that's been going around!

Age: 26

Bed size: Full. Can't fit anything bigger in my room.

Chore you hate: I guess making my bed. It's not that I hate it, I just never do it. I don't see the point when I'll just be back in it sleeping again.

Dogs: I have two dogs. I LOVE them. They are part of my family.

Essential start your day item: Breakfast. Usually a blueberry and spinach smoothie!! Seriously yummy!! You don't taste the spinach at all!

Favorite color: Purple

Gold or silver: Gold. I love white gold the most, but I also have a bunch of yellow too.

Height: 5'6

Instruments you play: None. I once tried to learn guitar but I was awful and I hated it! lol

Job title: Program Coordinator.

Kids: none

Live: New Jersey, at home still with my mom.

Mom's name: Linda

Nicknames: Carr (not CAR but more like Cahr) usually. One or two people sometimes call me Carrie.

Overnight hospital stays: When I had my appendix taken out (two nights then) and when I had major knee surgery I had to spend the night.

Pet Peeve(s): I have soo many. One of them: it drives me crazy when people don't use their blinker when driving.

Quote from a movie: This will be random, but I was just watching Uncle Buck. "Here's a quarter. Go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face." Love that movie!! lol

Right or Lefty: Righty, but I do drive with my left hand.

Siblings: Three older brothers. One is a half brother who I haven't seen or spoken to in years. He's had a lot of problems in the past and disappeared from my life when my parents split up.

Time you wake up: 7am during the week. Around 8:30 usually on the weekends

Underwear: Always.

Vegetables you don't like: Unfortunately I'm a really picky eater. I've been trying to get better but there are a ton of veggies I hate. Like green beans. BLEH!!

What makes you run late: Nothing. I'm the person who shows up 15 minutes early. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I was late to something.

X-Rays you've had: Way too many to count.

Yummy food you make: I can make ravioli and gnocchi from scratch.

Zoo Animal Favorite: Tough call. I'd say either the elephants or penguins!! Or if I was at Sea World, Dolphins all the way!!! Love Love Love dolphins!

What would you do? (need advice!!!!)

2011-03-02T15:29:00.004-05:00

There have been some things on my mind lately and I just don't really know how to proceed.

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before, but just in case, let me start by saying that I don't have a relationship with my dad. Basically he's a pretty crappy father and I had to cut him out of my life because I was sad all the time. When you have a relationship with anyone, I think that if you are upset 99% of the time, that maybe it's time to let it go. Even if it's someone like your dad.

That's what I did about 4 years ago. Maybe a little longer actually. Anyway, it was like instant. As soon as I stopped talking to him, I felt lighter and happier than I did in years. It was definitely the best decision for me. I know some people reading this might think I'm a bad person for not talking to my dad, but please understand that every situation is different. I am not the type of person who can keep on contact with a person who makes me sad all the time, just because it's the right thing to do.

Anyway at my gym, I keep on meeting people who either know my dad, or a family member on that side of the family. Naturally meeting all these people, made me start thinking about my dad again. I guess I feel guilty for shutting him out of my life. Plus, I hate the fact that he blames my mother for the fact that neither my brothers or I speak to him. Even though it's not her fault at ALL. She was the one person that always tried to get me to talk to him, and he's always blaming her for everything. It's insane.

While I don't want to start up a relationship with my Dad again, I also don't want to leave things how they are now. I feel bad that he doesn't know anything about my life. Also down the line if I ever get married or what not I don't want him to feel out of the loop. But I also don't want him to be involved either. I'm seriously torn.

I wrote up a letter that is sitting in my drafts to him. I'm not sure if I should send it or not. Basically in it, I try to explain a little better why I cut off communication. At the end I also offer to send him sporadic updates on my life if he would like me to do so. If not than that would be okay too.

I'm afraid it's opening up a big can of worms though. I'm afraid he'll read it the wrong way and think I'm blaming him for something (which I'm not, but he likes to twist my words around a lot). I'm also afraid he'll think that my mom is some way involved in it and will harass her (which he has in the past).

I just want to not have any regrets. He's my father, and even though I don't like him, I will always love him. He's my dad. I don't want the day to come when he passes away and me be filled with regret. But I also don't want to go back to that place when I was depressed and sad all the time either.

So should I send the letter or not?

Saying bye to the old me (pictures)

2011-02-24T15:37:00.008-05:00

This past weekend I did some major spring cleaning. I usually do this once or twice a year to get rid of clothing I haven't worn in a while and just make my room nice and neat. I'm not sure what got into my but this time, I got rid of a ton of clothes. Like my closest is seriously empty now!

I'm close to going down another size, so anything that I wore last spring/summer are now way too big to fit me. Even clothing I bought this past fall are just gigantic. I still really can't see the weight loss when I look in the mirror, but I can definitely see it when my pants actually fall down when I'm walking. Or my shirts fall off my shoulders. So this past weekend I got rid of things that I not only no longer wore, but that was too big. I packed up at least 3 black garbage bags of clothing to take to the clothing donation boxed in my town.

It kinda felt awesome to say goodbye to those clothes and to the person that I no longer I am. It's liberating. I honestly could have tossed more clothing, but then I would literally have nothing to wear and I'm not going to be going on a big shopping spree just yet. I'm just buying cheap clothes that will get me through 'til I go down another size. Although I did just get a pair of jeans that were a size 18!!!!! I hadn't been that size since I was a freshman in college!!! So exciting to slip those on!!!!!!

I'm waiting for the summer when I (fingers crossed) hit 90 pounds lost. I'm waiting for the day when I don't have to shop at a plus sized shop anymore.

It's coming close, I can see and feel it!!

I would never pose for a full length picture but I found this on a friends facebook page and I can't believe how big I was. This was taken spring of 2010

About 55 pounds down here - January 2011

Riding an elephant

2011-02-22T10:10:00.013-05:00

Here are some more pictures from my trip to India. I got to ride an elephant while I was there and it was so much fun!!! Exhilarating and fun!!

Me on the elephant (freaking out right now that I'm going to fall)
Taking a ride around the block!

The elephant kneels down and you have to climb up the backside.

First you step on the back leg, then you climb onto the tail and then you have to climb up the butt to the top. It was scary to climb on it.

All dressed up for us.

My second ride. A lot less scary this time.

Me and my new friend.

This is Qutub Minar in New Delhi. One of the coolest things I saw while there!

Look at all the detailing on the minar.

It was really high

This is the Iron Pillar. It was built around 4 AD and has NEVER rusted. Isn't that amazing?

A shot of the Iron Pillar and Minar together.

One of my last nights in India. With my niece!

Spring Cleaning

2011-02-17T11:46:00.003-05:00

It's been getting warmer here in NJ and it has caused me to want to do a little spring cleaning with my clothes.

One I have way too many clothes
Two I don't wear half of them anymore
Three A lot of them are now too big!!! (YAY!)

However, with the clothes that are too big, I still keep on wearing them. I have some serious body dysmorphia going on and I'm afraid to buy smaller clothes. I'm afraid they won't fit (although they do), but mostly I'm afraid that I'll look like crap wearing them. I zero in on my problem areas and that's all I can see when I try on clothes that actually fit me. I do know that baggy clothes = me looking terrible and bigger than I actually am. But they are like my comfort blanket. I can't seem to let it go.

I know it's time. Even though I'm not at my goal weight yet, I'm not going to continue wearing seriously baggy stuff until I loose another 50 pounds. That's just crazy. I need to spend some money on a few key pieces to hold me over until I'm down another size. Which means I'll be shopping only sale items for the time being. I just got a bunch of stuff from Torrid that were really cheap. They are having a big clearance sale and I scored some awesome pants and tops for all under 10 bucks each!! whoo hoo!!

So this weekend looks to be the perfect opportunity to clean my room and get rid of a lot of stuff!!! I get in these moods to just clean out and this is definitely one of them. I'll try and give my mom some of my clothes and then the rest are off to the clothing donation boxes near me.

Do you like spring cleaning?

India Part 3 (I got Henna!)

2011-02-14T10:00:00.012-05:00

More pictures from my trip. I promise to only do one more post from my trip. There was just soo many pictures! Next one will be about my elephant ride!

India Gate (Tomb of an unknown solider)
The President's House

Monkey!!

The Lotus Temple

So cool

Look at the petals. So detailed

I got Henna done. This is what it looks like while drying.

So goopy and tempting to close my hand while it dried.

After. Look at how detailed!!

It cost me only 2 bucks to get this done!

India Part 2

2011-02-10T11:49:00.012-05:00

I went to this fort with my brother. It was a fort but also where people lived, worked and shopped. It was huge!!
I look so tiny compared to the walls!

You can see the foundation still there and most of the walls are still up.

A mosque that was across the street

Me under an Arch. I don't know why but I love to take pictures under arches. lol

Not sure what this was, but looked really cool.

You can see the mosque through the little window. (AKA me trying to be artsy)

A little house (also me under another arch)

I'm Back!!!

2011-02-08T09:50:00.013-05:00

India was amazing!! I'm soo happy I got the chance to visit there. It wasn't scary like I was kinda expecting it to be. While there is a huge culture shock, it was great to experience it and see how differently people live. I got to see a ton of sights and amazing places. I took like 600 plus pictures while there! lol. While I won't show you that many, I am going to probably do multiple posts about my trip. There is just too much to talk about!

The first place I visited while in India was the Taj Mahal. It's one of the seven wonders of the world. There was no way I could not go there. While it was about a 4 hour drive to get there from New Dehli, it was totally worth it. It is truly gorgeous and something that people need to see in person. It's just amazing.

This is the main gateway (Darwaza) that you pass through to get into the Taj Mahal.
The Taj Mahal. Where the tombs are.

Me in front of it!

A picture that almost everyone takes while at the Taj. But really fun!!

Look at all the detail. Just amazing

This is the guest house. On the other side of the Taj, is a mosque that looks exactly the same. When building this, they wanted everything to be symmetrical.

Shoe covers you had to wear to go inside the building.

The tombs. These aren't the actual tombs (they are underground) but an exact replica.

Our guide really knew where to take cool pictures. This is a picture of the guest house, taken inside the Taj.

Another great picture that the guide knew to take.

And cows in the middle of the street while we were on our way home! Something you don't get to see every day!

Stay tuned to see more pictures of my trip!!

Only 4 days left!

2011-01-20T10:52:00.002-05:00

I leave for India in 4 days!! I can't believe that it's so close! Usually around this time I would start to panic about the upcoming trip. I tend to get bad anxiety whenever I travel, but right now I find myself excited and not anxious at all. It's a weird feeling.

I mean don't get me wrong, I'm a little nervous about being in a new country and the culture shock that will go along with it. But that's normal. Whenever you go somewhere and don't really no what to expect, it's totally normal to get a little nervous about that.

My crazy abnormal freak outs are not there though. Me thinking about every possible thing that could go wrong, worrying about fitting in my plane seat, and so many other things that would plague me in the days leading up to me leaving are just gone.

I don't know what's change, but I like it. Maybe it's because of the weight loss and my increase of self confidence. I feel the same way I did when I studied abroad. Nervous but really really excited!

3 day Weekend

2011-01-18T12:45:00.002-05:00

Hope you all enjoyed your 3-day weekend! Mine was really nice and a great little break from the normal.

On Saturday I went done to Maryland to visit some of my friends from college. I hadn't seen them since the summer and it was a much needed visit. My one friend is about 3 months pregnant so I was excited to see her and her little baby bump. My other friend got engaged on Christmas Eve and she asked me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding!!!! I am soo excited that she asked and I get to be apart of her day.

It was a fun day of shopping, watching the Ravens game (boo they lost) and then going out to dinner. We followed up by playing Apples to Apples at my friends house until late at nice. It wasn't anything crazy, but it was so much fun. I was just happy to see my friends and catch up on our lives.

Sunday I made it home before the Jets game and went out to a local bar to watch the game. Holy crap was it a good one!!! I'm soo happy the Jets won!!! Whoo hoo. I really hope they make it to the Super Bowl. I thought they bar we were going to was going to be packed, but it wasn't that bad. We got a high top table and was able to watch the game comfortably. Plus the beers and food tasted great. lol.

Monday was spent resting up from the weekend and relaxing. Then I had to go to Target to get some toliet trees for my trip and I finished out the day with a trip to the gym and a dentist appointment. No cavities!! yay!

How was your long weekend?

It's almost here!!

2011-01-12T12:03:00.003-05:00

I can't believe that in less than two weeks I'm going to India!!!!

It still hasn't really hit my yet. I keep on forgetting that it's this soon. I have so much I still need to get together and I need to start making my packing list. Right now is there "cold season" but by cold they mean the high 60s and 70s. Which to me means short sleeved, but my sister in law says she wears sweaters and stuff. Ugh. I hate not knowing what kind of clothes to bring.

My plan for now is to layer layer layer.

The other problem I have is since I've lost so much weight since the summer, my summer clothes are way too big. I'm hesitant to buy a lot of summer clothes because I plan on being even smaller by the time actual summer here rolls around.

I know that doesn't really sound like a problem. Ohh boo me for having to buy smaller clothes. wahhh. lol. But I'm trying to save money and would like to not waste money on something I won't be able to wear after a month.

So any suggestions on how to pack for my trip???

On the mend

2011-01-10T12:08:00.002-05:00

The surgery went well on Friday. No problems, just a whole lot of pain. I didn't think it was going to be as painful as it was. I guess I just didn't really know what to expect from the surgery.

My doctor did say that my gallbladder needed to come out, it was very inflamed. So hopefully I won't be having any more stomach issues now. The whole weekend was spent in bed or on the couch. What sucked for me is I like to sleep on my stomach and for the first 2 nights that just wasn't an option. I was so uncomfortable and in so much pain that I barely slept. I woke up every hour.

Thankfully last night was the first night I actually slept and I felt a lot better today. I wish I didn't have to go to work today, I could have used another day home, but I am happy to be out of the house. I'm starting to feel back to normal and I hope in a few days the pain will be gone.

I have 4 little scars where the incisions went and they are still really tender and pretty hard right now. In a few months it'll fade and become soft again. My stomach is pretty bloated still. Since they fill you with air during the surgery, not all of it comes out when they are done. In a few days it'll start to deflate.

What I wasn't expecting, my right shoulder hurt like hell after. Apparently there is a nerve that runs from the stomach to the shoulder and this operation causes that nerve to gets irritated. Causing my shoulder to kill! Seriously I couldn't believe it.

The nurses and everyone was awesome that day. One nicer than the next. It made the whole thing so much better because of that. My Doctor came to check on my like 4 times, the nurses were great, and my anesthesiologist was awesome. He really listened to me about how anesthesia affects me. He gave me a sedative before we went into the operating room. pills to help with my nausea afterward and made sure to put the medicine in that helps with the burning it causes. Because of all that, I woke up not puking or screaming. lol. Which has happened to me every other time. I woke up feeling just a little sick and overall like crap, but not like it has been before. He also called me later that night to see how I was feeling. Seriously he was the best!

Overall it was one of the most painful surgeries I've ever had, but one of the best hostpial experiences I've ever had. If that makes any sense at all.

Not the best start to the year

2011-01-03T14:43:00.003-05:00

I spent my New Years Eve and weekend home sick. Not the best way to kick off the New Year but no worries. I still have a feeling this year will be great.

I didn't really have any plans for New Years eve anyway, most of my friends stayed in, so I didn't feel like I missed out on anything. Honestly staying in with my mom was a lot of fun. We bought a bunch of junk food, pigs in a blanket, potato skins, mozzarella sticks, and just watched movies. I always feel bad that my mom doesn't have someone to celebrate the New Year with, so I was happy to help her ring in 2011.

How was you NYE?

Eff you Blizzard!!!

2010-12-29T11:28:00.003-05:00

So my week has been pretty awful so far. We got a ton of snow on Sunday and at first it was great. Nice to be snuggled up on the couch watching the snow fall.

But then, it didn't stop! It seemed so much worse than that horrible blizzard that happened last year in December, when my brother's wedding got all messed up. Thankfully my office was closed on Monday, so I didn't have to worry about going in.

However Tuesday came and my street still wasn't plowed. I had no idea where my lawn ended and the street even began. I felt like I was in the movie, The Day after Tomorrow. lol. And with my luck, of course my office was back in business and open. I was freaking out because there was no way I would be able to get in and I didn't have any days left to take off! Plus being stuck in your house for 3 days straight can make a person go crazy.

There was nothing on TV, so I read and read. I finished 2 and a half books while being snowed in. And spent a lot of time online, reading gossip pages and blogs. I just can't believe that my street wasn't plowed! I mean it's totally insane that it took them so long to get to me. My street was finally plowed at 3:30am this morning!!!! I mean what if there was an emergency and I needed to get out??? With my anxiety I was really starting to get worries last night.

When I saw my street was plowed this morning I almost cried. lol. My mom convinced the people who plow our driveway to come asap and I was able to get to work only a few minutes late!!!

What drives me crazy, is driving to work was fine. Not a speck of snow on the roads. So how if the main roads are fine, it took 3 days for people to plow my street??? I think because I live on a dead end, I'm usually the last to get plowed out. Also I know with all the budget cuts that they didn't have as much as they would to move faster. So eff you township for taking so long and eff you blizzard!

Did you get hit with snow? How did you make out??

I'm just happy it's Wednesday and I'm off for New Years on Friday. Hopefully things will get better. Plus, I was able to work something out with my boss about missing yesterday! Whoo hoo for awesome bosses!!!

Deck the Halls

2010-12-20T11:12:00.004-05:00

Can you believe that Christmas is less than a week away??? This month just flew by! This year I feel like I have a new Christmas Spirit. I'm so much more excited for the holidays this year.

I love buying gifts for my friends and family and wrapping them up all nice. I love to bake for my family and see them smile. I can't wait to see most of my family for Christmas Eve. I even enjoy going to the mall when it's insanely crowded and watching everyone get ready for Christmas.

Last Christmas I was not nearly into it as I am this year. I guess a lot can really change in a year and that's why I have so much spirit.

So many wonderful things happened to me this year, that it's hard for me to not be really really happy and so so thankful. Last year around this time, I wrote here that I had a feeling big changes were going to happen to me in 2010, and boy was I right!!

Getting a new job, gaining hours to my day because of my shorter commute and better hours, gaining a better social life with those few precious hours added to my day, having a genuine group of friends at work that I can talk to about anything, losing more than 40 pounds!

I grew so much as a person and I feel like I can finally say that I really like who I am becoming. I used to never really like who I was and would always want to change 100 different things. Now not only am I more content with who I am, but I'm actually starting to love who I am. And that is just priceless.

I hope for 2011 the good times keep on coming. Also I really hope to find love this year. It's been way to long and it's definitely time for me to get a boyfriend!

What do you wish for 2011? What were some great things that happened in 2010 for you?

Gallbladder

2010-12-16T09:49:00.003-05:00

About two weeks ago I had to get a Hida Scan done to see if my gallbladder was working properly. I have been having pain since before Thanksgiving. Last weeks I got the results back.

I have Chronic Gallbladder Disease.

Basically it just means by gallbladder isn't working anymore. Instead of pumping like it's supposed to, it's not and I keep on having spasms which is what the pain I am feeling is. I have to get it taken out.

I was really upset when I first found out. The fact that I have to get yet another operation is just devastating. I must have cried everyday that week. I've been feeling better about having the surgery, mostly because I am in so much pain. I want to no longer have this non-stop shooting pains in my stomach and be able to eat without my stomach cramping up.

I saw the doctor who will be doing my surgery last night and it's all set to be done on January 7th. I really really wanted to get it done the week after Christmas, but of course he is away that week. So I have to deal with this pain for another 2 weeks. I just hope I don't have another full blown attach like I did. Otherwise I should be fine.

Weight Loss Update

2010-12-14T10:46:00.003-05:00

So I realized it's been a while since I've updated you all on my efforts to lose weight and get in shape.

I'm happy to report that it's going wonderfully!!!!! I've lost a little over 40 pounds so far and have gone down 2 pant sizes!!!! I'm hoping to keep this momentum going and would like to lose 100 pounds by my birthday in late June. That's my goal, but I'll be happy to be even close to that.

I'm still going to the gym 6 days a week and I feel weird if I don't make it to the gym. The challenge at my gym that I participated in is ending this week and fingers crossed that I either win or come close!!! The will announce the winner this Friday.

While I wasn't able to complete all the challenges they gave me, I still attempted every single one. More than once usually too. I worked so hard, that I hope it's recognized.

Great Weekend with my niece

2010-12-13T12:11:00.004-05:00

My brother and his family flew in from India this weekend. I was so excited because I haven't seen my niece since this summer, when she was only 8 weeks old. Needless to say, she is a lot bigger than the last time. It's crazy how fast babies grow. I missed them so much and was happy to have a the whole weekend. They went down to visit my sister in law's parents for the week but they will be back up here next week and I get to spend more time with my niece. Plus she will celebrate her first Christmas at my house! Which I cannot wait for!

The whole weekend I felt like I held her. She's just too cute.

I mean how could you not love this face??

New Room Before and After

2010-12-07T08:33:00.009-05:00

I finally uploaded the pictures of my room. There are strange dots on some of the pictures. There was a glare from the lights and no matter what I did, they wouldn't go away. So please ignore that part!

Here is my room before:

And the finished product!!

What do you think?? I LOVE it.

Exhausting Weekend

2010-12-06T12:23:00.004-05:00

My room looks awesome!!! I took before and after pictures but my computer at home started to act up and I couldn't upload them. I will hopefully be able to some time this week. My room looks totally different.

The furniture is huge. A lot bigger than I remembered in the store, but I managed to fit everything into my room. Except for the bed. That was just too big, plus it's for a queen sized bed and I have a full. When I eventually move out of my home, I'll be able to use it. For now, it's in my basement.

It took forever to get my room in order. Most of Friday and all day Sunday was spent with me fixing my room. I had no idea how much crap I had. I threw out at least 3 garbage bags of stuff (I can be a hoarder sometimes) and 3 garbage bags of clothing to give away. Even with all that stuff gone, it still looks like I have a ton of clothes! I wanted to go through more and get rid of stuff, especially the clothes that are too big on me. However I was exhausted after moving everything that it will have to go on hold for now.

On Saturday I had to go and get another test for my stomach pains. It is called a Hida Scan. It took forever. First I had to get an IV in my arm, then I got injected with radioactive materials. For an hour I had to get pictures taken of my stomach. Every 15 minutes. After the hour of pictures, I was injected with something called CCK. It made me feel like I was going to vomit. It was awful. It also caused my stomach to have the pains I had been having but much more intensified. Then I had to get more pictures taken of my stomach. In total I was there for 2 hours. Not quite how I wanted to spend my Saturday morning. I will find out the results in a few days.

But after I got to see Harry Potter with my friend from out of town!!! It was AWESOME. Totally made up for my sucky morning and it was everything that I hoped it to be. While stuff from the books were left out (which always happens) I still think they kept a lot in and did everything so well. I love seeing the whole world come to life.

After the movie I spent the day with my friend from out of town and my BFF. We just hung out, caught up on our lives and had some yummy homemade Pizza for dinner. I was gone from my house for like 12 hours on Saturday. I couldn't believe I was gone for so long.

Tis the Season

2010-12-01T10:34:00.004-05:00

I can't believe it's December!!! November flew by and I have a feeling December will too!! I am really looking forward to this month and the upcoming holidays. Now that I'm all done with my shopping, I can just enjoy the season.

Last night was spent cleaning out my room and moving my furniture. My room is getting painted today and my new furniture will be here on Friday!!! I can't wait to see it all together. I looked it up online, the whole set that I got is around $5,000! I got it for under $2000! Talk about an amazing deal! Plus I know I will be able to use this for years to come.

This weekend, my friend from Connecticut is coming down and I will finally be seeing the Harry Potter movie!!! I am sooo excited. I love the books and I think they do such a great job bringing everything to life in the movies. Although I lot of stuff tends to get left out, which is why the books are a lot better.

The following weekend, my brother and his family are flying in from India! I haven't seen my niece since she was about 8 weeks old. Now she's 6 months old and I can't wait to see how big she is! I have missed them so much. It will be great to spend some time with them and be with my niece for her first Christmas.

How will you be spending the holidays?

Lots of Shopping and one really big purchase!

2010-11-29T12:34:00.003-05:00

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving and a great long weekend!!!

I am feeling a lot better!!! My ultrasound came back negative so I have no idea why I was having so much pain. My stomach felt tender and like it was bruised for days. Whatever it was, I just hope it doesn't happen again. That sucked.

My Thanksgiving was great. Lots of food and spending time with my family is always great. The only downside was my grandmother watching EVERYTHING I ate and kept on making snide comments to me. So much fun being told what you should eat when you are 26 years old. For the first time though, I actually stood up for myself and told her to STOP. That I know what I am doing and what I can and can't eat. That shut her up and the rest of the day was really pleasant.

I was a crazy person and went shopping on Friday. I also did lots of online shopping too. I am happy to report that I am officially done with my Christmas shopping!!! Now I can sit back and enjoy the holidays!

On Sunday, my mom and I went to a furniture store that was having a big sale. My furniture is from when I was around 12 years old and is seriously outdated. Plus it's falling apart. My room never really felt like my room, because the furniture isn't me. Neither was the color on my walls. We found an amazing 6 piece set on sale for less than $2,000. It is a great brand and honestly we couldn't pass up on the price. Individually one piece cost $1200. Why wouldn't I spend $800 more and get an entire bedroom.

It's gorgeous and totally my style. I am so excited for it to be delivered. Plus I'm having my room painted this week, so by this weekend my room will totally be transformed. I am going to take before and after photos so you can see!! I've never bought furniture before. I felt like a big girl going out and making a big purchase like this.

Update

2010-11-23T09:54:00.001-05:00

So I went to the doctor yesterday and she thinks it could be my gallbladder acting up. I'm going for an ultra sound this afternoon for a better look.

Fingers crossed there is nothing wrong!!!!

PAIN

2010-11-22T14:25:00.002-05:00

A few days ago, I kept on getting cramps in my upper stomach when I was working out. I just thought that maybe I didn't stretch properly or something. Then Saturday evening, I had really bad pains in my stomach and my heart was beating really fast whenever I laid down. I figured that since I haven't been going to the bathroom regularly that I was all clogged up and that what the pain was.

Sunday morning, I felt off but no real pain. Went to the gym, did some cardio and came home. By the afternoon that pain was back and worse than before. There wasn't one position I was comfortable in. Sitting, laying, it didn't matter. I was hurting. I went to bed in pain and throughout the night, every time I had to turn I felt awful. It is such horrible stabbing pain.

This morning, I felt terrible. Being the idiot that I am, I decided to go to work anyway. I figured I'm in pain no matter what, may as well suffer in my cube.

Well it's now 2:30 and I'm in excruciating pain. I have NO idea what is going on, but I'm getting a little nervous. I made an appointment with my doctor for right after work. I just hope it doesn't get worse before then.

Keep your fingers crossed that it's nothing serious! I'll keep you posted on what happens.

Funk

2010-11-16T10:08:00.003-05:00

I seem to be in a bit of a funk this week. It seems to have come out of nowhere. I had a really pleasant weekend and managed to make good choices when it comes to eating. I got my hair done, which always makes me happy. I also went to a runner store and was properly fitted for a new pair of sneakers. It was pretty awesome too. They scanned my feet and taped me on a treadmill to determine what is right for me.

Then Monday happened, and BAM I'm moody and cranky. All day I felt off and then when I went to the gym it just got worse. I got weighed in and even though I've lost weight, I've lost muscle which is a big NO NO for my trainer. So she pretty much scolded me for that. Then I attempted another gym challenge and missed getting it done by 20 seconds. Ugh. So frustrating.

I came home, really upset and basically started crying hysterically. Making this change is just so overwhelming sometimes. Plus, I don't feel like I deserve it and my biggest fear is going back to the way I was.

Also my house is a mess right now. My cousin, who is a painter, is spending the week at my house painting basically the entire interior. Ever since we got new windows about a year ago we've needed it to be painted so it can finally look finished. So all the furniture is in the middle of the rooms, making it hard to walk around. It looks like a mess and that drives me crazy. Hopefully he'll be done sooner rather than later.

Sorry this is a little scatterbrained, but that's everything that's going on in my head right now. I go from one thought to a completely random issue the next. Hopefully by the weekend I'll be feeling back to normal.

Until then: what do you do to handle stress? Do you ever sabotage yourself?

Loving Myself

2010-11-09T09:38:00.004-05:00

So I've been doing this challenge at the gym for about a week and a half. It's been going okay so far. I've been completing my daily challenges and trying to lose weight. If I stay on track and lose a good chunk of weight I really feel like I can win this thing. Which is now over $900!The only thing holding me back are these bonus challenges that they have each week.

They are impossible.

So far there are 2 bonus challenges, and both I cannot do. And it's so frustrating and I feel so out of place. I am the biggest person doing this thing and people who are really fit can't even do them. What hope does that give me? I already feel so far behind, especially when the second biggest person is like 40 pounds lighter than me.

It just makes me so upset. I know I am on the right track to getting healthy, but I get so mad at myself for get this way. It's such a long journey and I know there aren't any shortcuts, but sometimes I feel hopeless.

Sometimes, I feel like I don't even deserve to be thin. Which I know logically that's crazy, but I can't help having those feelings creep in. I need to love myself as I am right NOW, but I just can't. Years and years I've always been told I'm not good enough. It's hard to erase those words and the pain they caused. Plus having a father who disappeared from my life when I was 12 doesn't help me either. If he couldn't be bothered to care for me, why should I?

This past year, slowly things have been clicking with me. I'm a lot stronger and I do like myself a lot better than I used to. If I didn't, I wouldn't have even started this weight loss journey. I'm just not all the way there yet. I truly believe losing weight is more mental than anything else. I need to be at peace with who I am, before I can really push myself physically.

I think this is the number one reason as to why I can't do these bonus challenges. I get it in my head before even trying that I can't do it. I need to start believing in myself and trusting that my body can do these tasks. I'm getting there, and hopefully this challenge will help me get there faster.

Trip of a Lifetime.

2010-11-02T10:01:00.004-04:00

It's official. I am going to India!

I got my visa in the mail yesterday and quickly booked my plane ticket before the fares go up again. Also can I just say, I'm so so so thankful that Continental offers a nonstop flight to India! It's bad enough that the flight is over 14 hours, but having to do a layover would have killed me.

I am going for 11 days total and I can't wait to see everything I can. Specifically I can't wait to see the Taj Mahal.

I'm also scared shitless. Seriously. I'm worried about the culture shock, and even though I am visiting my brother, his wife and my baby niece, they will have to go to work. So most days I'll be by myself. In a country were I can't speak the language.

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I couldn't pass it up because I'm a little scared. Once I'm there I'll be fine. And I know I'll make memories I will never forget.

New Challenge

2010-10-27T13:58:00.002-04:00

This past weekend, my gym had a party for all those who participated in the challenge. It was really close points wise, but I'm happy to report that my team won!!!! Whoo Hoo!!

The party was a lot of fun. They handed out certificates to everyone who did the challenge and everyone got a nickname. A lot of them were funny, but mine meant a lot to me.

I was named most improved! For each challenge I always did a little bit better than the last one. It felt good to get recognized for all the hard work I put into it. Plus I was in the top 10 percent weight loss wise! Which was a great feeling.

Now that the challenge is over, they are having a new one starting this weekend. It's individual this time and the winner gets money!!!!! You get half the pot of money that everyone puts in ($30) at the beginning. There is about 25 people signed up so far, so the winner can get some serious cash.

The challenge goes from November 1st until December 15th. Not only are they counting how much weight you lose, they are also seeing how much muscle you gain, BMI percentage, and you have to complete the following:

6 spin classes
3 Boot Camp Classes
4 treadmill runs (well walk for me) (1 mile, 2 mile, 3 mile and 4 miles)
6 Bike challenges (3 miles in 10 minutes or less)
6 Bonus challenges that will be announced each week

It sounds crazy intense, but I'm looking forward to it! I really really really want to win!! I hate losing! lol

My personal goal is to lose at least 15 pounds during the challenge. I lost 11 during the last challenge so I think 15 is reasonable. I really hope I can make it!

Mo Money

2010-10-25T10:24:00.002-04:00

As of today, my credit card has been officially paid off!!!!

Whooo Hooo!!!!!!

It all started when I studied abroad. While it was one of the best experiences of my life, it was expensive. I traveled a lot and each time I would use my credit card because it was easier. After that it just kept on building up. Now my debt wasn't a lot, but it was something that I've been trying to slowly pay off for the past 2 years.

And now I'm done!!!!!! It feels great to have one less bill to worry about. Now I'm sure I will need to use my credit card again, but I plan on either paying it off in full each month or within 2 months. We'll see if that works or not.

I still have student loans, but I'm not worried about paying them off right away. I have a pretty low interest rate and the payments are deducted each month from my checking account, so I don't have to worry. Plus student loans are considered good credit to have.

Now I can focus more on building up my savings account and hopefully being able to buy a house one day soon!

Breaking Through

2010-10-19T10:54:00.003-04:00

At my gym, I decided to participate in a 30 day challenge. There were two teams with about 20 people on each team. Each day we had to do a challenge and rack up points. I loved doing the challenge because it really pushed me to do my best. Some days I felt awesome when doing the challenge, others were really hard and I had to dig deep in order finish.

This past Saturday was the final day of the challenge and the final task was HUGE. I mean I literally didn't think I could finish it. It was just so much and I didn't think my body could handle it. First we had to do 10 burpees, then I had to bear crawl around 10 poles, then I had to pull a rope with a 30 pound kettlebell attached to it, once I finished that I had to break off into a run around the block, which was about 1/4 of a mile, and then to finish I had to pick up two kettlebells and walk down the block and back. And it was all timed!

Before I even started, I started to get upset. I didn't know if I could do it, or if I did do it that it would take me like 20 minutes to finish everything. Plus it didn't help that the woman before me completed the whole thing in just 3 minutes!!!! It just made me realize how far I still have to go to get to the body I want. I went into it feeling defeated which was wrong and made the whole thing that much worse.

I started the challenge and by the time I finish the bear crawls I was already gasping for air. Then when I broke into the run, I just didn't think I could do it. I was so exhausted and literally couldn't get my breath back to normal. Thankfully my trainer saw that I was struggling and went out to help support me. She ran with me the whole time and when I started walking she helped motivate me to just run a little more and finish it strong. While I did walk more than I ran, I still did it.

When I finished, there were so many emotions going through me that I just started crying. I mean like sobbing. My trainer just came over and gave me a huge hug. Which was exactly what I needed. I was so happy that I finished and really pushed past my comfort zone that I was in when working out. I truly didn't think I was going to finish. Even though I was happy, I was also really sad because there is still such a long road ahead of me.

But now more than ever, there is a fire light in me to become the best me. The healthy strong athlete that I know I can be.

PS - my final time for the challenge was 7 minutes and 13 seconds.

Candy Corn

2010-10-12T15:17:00.002-04:00

I love Candy Corn.

Like I can eat an entire bag in one sitting, love.

Since I'm trying to get healthy, I refrain from buying anything that's really bad for you because I know that if it's in my house, I'll eat it. I have no willpower sometimes.

The other day I went into the store to pick something up real quick and there they were. My loves, Candy Corn. And a bag was only a buck!!!

The temptation was just too much, so I picked up the bag and had it with me while I got the other things I actually needed. When I got to the register, the little voice in my head finally kicked in. I realized that that bag would be gone by the time I went to bed. I've been doing so good lately and did I really want to throw it away for them!! (yes) However the voice won, and I put the bag down and checked out.

I thought about those damn things for the rest of the day. lol. I have a problem.

Anyway later that night I told my mom my struggle and how proud I was that I didn't give in. But damn did I want them!!!!!

The next day, I come home from the gym and on my dresser is a HUGE bag of Candy Corn!!!

WTF.

I thought I went crazy for a minute, until I realized my mother (aka the devil) felt bad that I didn't buy them and picked me up a bag when she was out! While I do know that she had the best intentions (she told me to only eat a little at a time), it was also like a slap in the face.

Sometimes I don't think my mom understands how much I struggle to get on the right track. Sometimes I think she tried to sabotage me. Not on purpose, but like deep down inside she doesn't want me to succeed. It could be because she's struggled with weight all her life too, and if she can't do it, then neither should I. Who knows...

What I do know, is that there is a big ass bag of candy corn taunting me in my room. I've only had a little bit (10 total I counted) but it took a huge effort to stop. If I hit my goal this week to lose 4 pounds, I will reward myself with another 10 corns.

I've decided to use the delicious bag of candy to my advantage and reward myself with a job well done each week. Here's hoping I don't cave in!!!

Do you have a food that you just can't resist? Do you ever feel like someone is trying to sabotage you?

Solid B

2010-10-06T11:28:00.002-04:00

My effort to curb my online shopping and spending was pretty good. I did slip a few times, mostly because I am in desperate need for workout clothes. However they were really cheap and I felt like I couldn't miss a deal like that. Seriously Old Navy kind of rocks in the workout gear department. I got a sports bra for like $15 bucks and active pants for only $8 dollars on sale!! Also the quality is really good, which makes it a steal.

I also bought a pair of boots, but that was mostly because I forgot about my goals for the month. lol. The boots are amazing and I know they will be worn many many times. It is almost impossible for me to find boots that actually fit my calf. So when I saw these and tried them on I knew I couldn't pass them up.

So minus the boots and workout gear I did pretty great this month!! I'm now back on track (mostly) with my budgeting and saving. Definitely a solid B for my efforts. lol